Wreck of the Day.

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And the light's always red in the rear-view
Desperately close to a coffin of hope
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And I'm thinking 'bout calling on Jesus
'Cause love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love
I'm just falling to pieces

And if this is giving up then I'm giving up
If this is giving up then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

And maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love
When all my resistance will never be distance enough

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And it's finally quiet in my head
Driving alone, finally on my way home to the comfort of my bed
And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love 
-Wreck of the Day by Anna Nalick.

Remember how I said that music has this special part of my life?  There are so many albums I can remember pouring over the lyrics to when I was in treatment.  Music therapy was one of my favorite parts of the day.  I'm taken back to late April 2006.  I'm driving home with my Dad with my iPod on and the window down.  I remember him saying, finally you are recovering.  You are getting better.  Treatment is working.  I'm listening to this song and thinking, what if it's all just a joke?  A few weeks later I overdose and am sent back into the hospital.

It was this song that I went home and played for hours after my rape in January happened.  I remember sitting in my room crying and thinking, I'm the wreck of the day.  I'm left here angry and hurting and upset and what do I do about it?  What does God think about this?  What will people think?  I even had someone say, when I said what happened, I always thought you were smart enough to get yourself out of this situation.

But that's the thing.  Rape doesn't happen because a girl was asking for it.  Rape can be a girl raping a boy.  Rape can be a boy raping a boy.  A girl raping a girl.  It's not a girl drunk, wearing revealing clothes.  Yes, that can happen, but that's not always the case.  Sometimes, it's a girl begging to go home, fresh from the hospital, hopped up on pain killers because she has spots and is in the process of being tested for cancer. 

I never asked for it.  I asked to go home.  I was at a friends house.  He said he liked me and I said I didn't know how I felt.  I didn't know and I just wanted to go home.  He grabbed me as I was leaving.  I don't remember much of this.  I do remember screaming and him holding my mouth shut and I remember saying I just want to go home.

I remember walking home after and taking a shower, which you aren't supposed to do.  I remember going over the campus respect videos I had to watch before I could register for classes.  It said 1 in 4 are raped.  I didn't want to be a 1 in 4.  I wanted to go home.  I remember standing in the shower and feeling like I would never be clean again.  I can't wear my purity ring anymore, because I don't feel pure, I just feel tainted.

It's my roommate coming home from winter break to find me drunk at three in the afternoon, falling to pieces on our living room floor.  I drank for 14 hours that day.  I woke up in the morning and said never again.  I've been in therapy and it will be 3 months on April 7th.  I'm doing better, but at night, I relive it.

I feel dirty and used.  It wasn't my fault and I didn't "ask for it."  But there's a lot of pain I've been working on in therapy.  It's a step forward and a few back.  It's days of progress and feeling good, and a day of falling apart again.

Cough Syrup.

This song played on the last episode of Glee when a character was outed as being gay, and due to the pressure, tried to hang himself.  This song was playing as I was walking home from work last night, praying for the courage to not jump off a bridge.

I’m not going to lie, I’ve been having a really hard time with everything, but seeing what it’s like to watch someone attempt suicide, to actually be in the other persons shoes, gives me the courage to keep going.
I’ve attempted suicide in the past, and sometimes, I still have thoughts, like, what would it be like if I just stopped living now? Would anyone notice, or care?  Or would people miss me?  Does my life even matter?  Everyone says it gets better, when’s it going to get better for me?  But I’ve never really seen what it was like for the other person, not just for me.  I mean, I didn’t know what it was like for my Dad to find me hanging from the ceiling.  I just remember him screaming and taking me to the hospital.  I just remember waking up from an overdose to him crying and my Mom saying f**k you and storming out the room.  I remember my older sister saying if I ever attempt again, she’ll never talk to me.  But I never got what it was like for them.
I just thought that they didn’t understand me.  And that’s true, I think to a certain level, you can understand what it’s like to attempt suicide, or like, all the feelings that come with it.  But only to a certain level.  But until you are actually swallowing all those pills, or hanging yourself, you can’t really know what it’s like to be at the rock bottom until you are there.

But I didn’t understand them.  I didn’t understand how hard it was for my parents or for my sisters, or for the friends who decided I was beyond messed up and left.  For the people who saw all my hospitalizations, and all my tears, and all my scars.

Which is why if you are thinking of suicide, please, get help.  Don’t kill yourself.  I know, it’s hard.  I’m not going to tell you that it isn’t, because it is.  I still have hard days.  But I want to tell you that you can keep going.   Heck, yesterday I wanted to jump of a bridge.

But I want to tell you that the thoughts pass.  Suicide is a permanent thing.  Sitting in therapy crying today about my rape, I said, I just want all the pain to go away.  I want relief.  I want to stop hurting.  I want to stop being in pain.  He said to me that if I killed myself, I wouldn't get that relief.  I wouldn't be alive to feel it.

Please, stay strong.  Please, don’t give up.  Please, get help if you need it.  That’s what I’m doing.  I am taking the steps that I need to take.  Please, go get help if that's what you need and just know that people love you dearly.

Don't give up.  Don't kill yourself.