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"Take a deep breath. It’s okay. It’s going to be okay. My son is stubborn and I know he can get through this. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be sad, but don’t you dare let this stop you. Don’t you dare let anything hold you back. And I’m really sorry if I’ve ever been the one to hold you back. You give ‘em hell, kid."— My Dad.I don't know why that one is there. But I had put this on my tumblr so I guess that could be why. I just got off the phone with my Dad where I told him all of my lovely feelings from the post below. This is what he said. Yeah, big moment, because a month ago at Twin Cities Pride I called to talk to my parents and my Dad said I don't even want to hear from you. I have nothing to say to you. Just talk to your Mom.We've never really gone on father son bonding type trips. When I was a kid, he used to take me fishing. Once I hit puberty at 8, he stopped. Today he told me he's not going back to Antarctica. He's taking care of me. He lost his sister about a month ago. My cousin is dying, and I'm fighting for my life as well.He said you're more important and I need to get you better. And we can go on fishing trips like we used to, remember those, Blake? He used my name. He used my pronouns. I think being sick has given him a new perspective. And I want to take my son out for a beer. So you can't give up, ever. Don't you dare throw in the towel.It's funny because my Dad is no where near religious. But he's helping me to restore my faith just a little bit. It's been so shaken. But I think I'm starting to get my footing back.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Father Son Time.
Exit Wounds.
Tomorrow morning is another set of blood labs and another round of
hormones. I feel like I’m falling apart. I take naps in the day and
fall asleep for hours. Friends will text me in the middle of it and I
will text back later, sorry, passed out again. They say, it’s okay, you
probably just need sleep. I feel like I’ve let them down.
The surgery didn’t kill it all. It had already spread to my bloodstream. Hence the hormones and the lab tests. Hence me sleeping all the time. I’m exhausted. And yet at night, I still have a hard time closing my eyes. Once I’m out, I sleep like the dead. But in the middle of the day, I find myself passing out everywhere. I just can’t sleep at night like a normal person.
I’m getting depressed. I’m upset. I’m pissed at some god somewhere I can’t believe in because they let me go through all of this shit. Being trans* and being sick and having to give up being pregnant. It’s not something I even really wanted, but it doesn’t matter because it was taken away. I’m pissed at the loss. I’m pissed because there’s a part of me that I now get to miss out on. The other day I was in target with my Mom and I began to get sad. Maybe because we were in the baby section because one of her co-workers was going to have a kid. And I was maybe just upset because I don’t fit into societies script. She sees me start to get sad and I try to hide it, but she says, you can always adopt.
I just hate that I’ve had to go through all of this shit. I didn’t get a choice. I didn’t get to have things be easier. Truthfully, I know I’d be a great Dad. I used to nanny all of the time. It’s not even about having a kid biologically, it’s just that things were taken away from me and I’m pissed. I want justice. I look at my younger sister and I just want what she has.
She’s like the epitome of girl. She’s smart and she’s talented and she’s pretty. She has long hair and she buys into Womanhood. She has a boyfriend of two years, and he’s wonderful. She doesn’t have all these scars. I do. She can have the life you’re supposed to have, the one you realize you are supposed to have at an early age. I never could.
And sometimes, I get the urge to try to be like her. I told my Mom this today. She said why would you do that? Blake is awesome. Blake is who you are. Don’t be Trish. Don’t be your sister. Be you. Be Blake. I get the urge to grow out my hair again and be feminine and normal. But I’m not normal. And I hate that. I hate that this is what society calls for normalcy.
I don’t dare tell my Dad any of this. But I’m scared. I know he’s scared. I can hear it in his voice every time he calls me 20 times a day. I saw it when I drove back to Minnesota for the 4th of July. I saw it when I came home at midnight. I saw it when he tries to hide it. He’s scared.
I’m tired. I’m angry. I’m hurting. I cried myself to sleep the last 2 nights in a row. Maybe it’s the hormones. Maybe it’s just me. I’m freaking out about how the hell am I going to do my classes when I’m sick all the damn time? I’m still sick. Yeah, all the pain is gone because the tumor is gone, but I’m still sick. I’m still hurting. And I just feel so alone because I feel like no one understands how I feel. No one understands that I’m upset. I’m sitting here crying as I write this, and I freaking hate crying. And I hate complaining. I hate talking about it because I feel like I’m being a burden on everyone I live with and they already do so much for me.
I just want to hide away sometimes. I feel like I’m letting people down because I’m not strong and because I’m still fighting and I’m sitting here crying and I don’t know why the hell I’m so upset but I am. Sometimes, I just feel like letting the heaviness take me under, but that’s just really chicken shittish and so I don’t. I’m not a coward. I just want to be okay. But I know that I need to hang on, and as exhausting as it is, it’s what I’m trying to do.
The surgery didn’t kill it all. It had already spread to my bloodstream. Hence the hormones and the lab tests. Hence me sleeping all the time. I’m exhausted. And yet at night, I still have a hard time closing my eyes. Once I’m out, I sleep like the dead. But in the middle of the day, I find myself passing out everywhere. I just can’t sleep at night like a normal person.
I’m getting depressed. I’m upset. I’m pissed at some god somewhere I can’t believe in because they let me go through all of this shit. Being trans* and being sick and having to give up being pregnant. It’s not something I even really wanted, but it doesn’t matter because it was taken away. I’m pissed at the loss. I’m pissed because there’s a part of me that I now get to miss out on. The other day I was in target with my Mom and I began to get sad. Maybe because we were in the baby section because one of her co-workers was going to have a kid. And I was maybe just upset because I don’t fit into societies script. She sees me start to get sad and I try to hide it, but she says, you can always adopt.
I just hate that I’ve had to go through all of this shit. I didn’t get a choice. I didn’t get to have things be easier. Truthfully, I know I’d be a great Dad. I used to nanny all of the time. It’s not even about having a kid biologically, it’s just that things were taken away from me and I’m pissed. I want justice. I look at my younger sister and I just want what she has.
She’s like the epitome of girl. She’s smart and she’s talented and she’s pretty. She has long hair and she buys into Womanhood. She has a boyfriend of two years, and he’s wonderful. She doesn’t have all these scars. I do. She can have the life you’re supposed to have, the one you realize you are supposed to have at an early age. I never could.
And sometimes, I get the urge to try to be like her. I told my Mom this today. She said why would you do that? Blake is awesome. Blake is who you are. Don’t be Trish. Don’t be your sister. Be you. Be Blake. I get the urge to grow out my hair again and be feminine and normal. But I’m not normal. And I hate that. I hate that this is what society calls for normalcy.
I don’t dare tell my Dad any of this. But I’m scared. I know he’s scared. I can hear it in his voice every time he calls me 20 times a day. I saw it when I drove back to Minnesota for the 4th of July. I saw it when I came home at midnight. I saw it when he tries to hide it. He’s scared.
I’m tired. I’m angry. I’m hurting. I cried myself to sleep the last 2 nights in a row. Maybe it’s the hormones. Maybe it’s just me. I’m freaking out about how the hell am I going to do my classes when I’m sick all the damn time? I’m still sick. Yeah, all the pain is gone because the tumor is gone, but I’m still sick. I’m still hurting. And I just feel so alone because I feel like no one understands how I feel. No one understands that I’m upset. I’m sitting here crying as I write this, and I freaking hate crying. And I hate complaining. I hate talking about it because I feel like I’m being a burden on everyone I live with and they already do so much for me.
I just want to hide away sometimes. I feel like I’m letting people down because I’m not strong and because I’m still fighting and I’m sitting here crying and I don’t know why the hell I’m so upset but I am. Sometimes, I just feel like letting the heaviness take me under, but that’s just really chicken shittish and so I don’t. I’m not a coward. I just want to be okay. But I know that I need to hang on, and as exhausting as it is, it’s what I’m trying to do.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Shake It Out.
Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play
And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn
And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around
Our love is questioned, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn
Oh whoa, oh whoa...
And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me, yeah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
-Shake It Out by Florence+The Machines.
I'm in North Carolina. I moved here for the rest of summer. A bunch of things went down. I had a hysterectomy on Friday. I know, you're not supposed to start transitioning with bottom surgery, but I guess I had to do things a little backwards. That's a joke. I had a 6cm tumor on my right ovary. They were able to save the left. I'm doing better now. I was discharged a day early, but moved to be with my parents.
My aunt passed away about 2 weeks ago. It's been really hard.
I'm going back to St. Cloud once school starts and digging myself out of the hole. A big thing has been letting go of people that cause nothing but drama. I'm excited to see where I will be a year from now. Hard to believe it was a year that I left.
Here's to letting go.
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play
And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn
And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around
Our love is questioned, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn
Oh whoa, oh whoa...
And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me, yeah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
-Shake It Out by Florence+The Machines.
I'm in North Carolina. I moved here for the rest of summer. A bunch of things went down. I had a hysterectomy on Friday. I know, you're not supposed to start transitioning with bottom surgery, but I guess I had to do things a little backwards. That's a joke. I had a 6cm tumor on my right ovary. They were able to save the left. I'm doing better now. I was discharged a day early, but moved to be with my parents.
My aunt passed away about 2 weeks ago. It's been really hard.
I'm going back to St. Cloud once school starts and digging myself out of the hole. A big thing has been letting go of people that cause nothing but drama. I'm excited to see where I will be a year from now. Hard to believe it was a year that I left.
Here's to letting go.
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