You Are Strong.

You can do this.  You can get up.  You can keep moving forward.  You are strong.  You are wonderful. You are beautiful and amazing and not just a survivor.  You are a warrior.  And, you can get through this pain.

You know what?  Tragedies happen.  What are you gonna do?  Give up?  Quit?  No.  I realize now that when your heart breaks, you gotta fight like hell to make sure you're still alive.  Because you are.  And the pain you feel?  That's life.  The confusion and pain that you feel, that's there to remind you that there is something better.  And that something is worth fighting for.

He wrote you over 30 letters.  And he's kicked you around.  He's made you cry for the last 15 months.  And you know what?  It's time to stop crying, and it's time to stop saying that it was because you weren't good enough.  You are.  You were.  He was the one who messed things up.  You didn't do anything wrong.  It's not your fault he fell apart.  It wasn't your job to take care of him.  You weren't his wife.

It's time for you to let down your walls.  The walls you have built after all these years need to start being chipped away.  That's what you need to do in therapy.  You are an island.  I know it's because you're so sick of being hurt.  I know it's because you have this huge fear of letting someone in, someone who could be incredible for you.  You also feel like you're not worth loving.  You are.  That's a lie.  You're afraid of getting hurt.

You're afraid of living.  Just get up.  Come on, let's go.  Let someone in. Build a bridge to your island. Or let them land a plane there.  But let someone on.

I know you're really hurting.  I know you just found a lot of painful things a few weeks ago, and even now.  But you can't just lay down and die.  You can't just say that your solution is to restrict your food intake, or to cut.  Not that you have been doing these things, but that is what you fall back on when you're hurting.

I know your heart is bleeding.  I know you feel like you have taken so long just to feel okay, and now you feel like all those months meant nothing because you didn't know the details.  But you know what?  They do matter.  Every day you got out of bed.  The day you went back to school.  The day you got yourself a full time job when you stopped going to school.  Those days mattered.  Those days you weren't in school, you were learning so much about your relationship with God.  You were in your Bible for hours.  You were learning how to crawl.  You went back to school in January, and you had your goal in mind.  You were starting to walk.

Each day of your life matters.  So, let go.  Let go of the pain.  Let go of the anger and the hurt and the feeling that you were betrayed.  You were.  But you can't let it poison you.  You can't live your life at a distance and say that you're content with loneliness because no one was ever worth the risk.  It's okay.  It's okay to let people in and know that not everyone is a psycho, or is someone who will hurt you.

I love you so much.  You are so amazing and you always come back to life at the last second, before the final tap on the mat tells you you've been knocked out.  You have seen such incredible darkness, but you also know that you have seen so much joy and light.


Share that love with people.  Because you have so much joy, and people need to see it.  And you don't deserve to be alone because some jerk broke your heart.  You are so loved, and it's time for you to wake up and see it.


So, since I haven't blogged about this.

3 weeks ago, my ex-fiance's Mom called me and told me that he was in jail and asked me to write him.  I talked to my residential hall director at my college about it, and she told me that I needed to write him telling him to not write me anymore, to call me, or anything like that, so that if I needed a restraining order, it would help because I had made the effort to tell him to leave me alone.  I did that.

32 letters later, last Friday?, I was obviously very upset.  I started therapy that afternoon, and my therapist and I are working on my trust issues, and just dealing with all of the issues that are coming up.  My ex raped a 7 year old boy and has a felony charge.  He admitted to doing it.  I know that little boy.  I know that kids family.  He also admitted to sexting boys for months during our relationship, when we were engaged.  At the same point where I almost drove to Minnesota to marry him, he was sexting others and other things.  He didn't say he was sorry for over 30 letters.  Then last night when he admitted to doing more things, that's when he said he was sorry.

I needed to write myself a letter.  I needed to remind myself that none of this was my fault.  I told my ex in the letter I sent him telling him to leave me alone, that I forgave him.  I had at this point.  I'm in the process of forgiving him for all the things I now know about.  I told him that no matter what he did, that God loves Him and will still take him back.   With all the extra layers on there, and all the issues that I have to now face, I still believe that to be true.

God will always love you.  God will always take you back, when you ask.  He will give you the strength to get out of bed.  Because 15 months ago, when my ex-fiance and I broke up, I wanted to just sleep and never get up.  I don't remember hardly anything from those first few months, but I do know that I am still getting out of bed.  I do know that God's grace is mind-blowing and that there isn't anything that you could do to make Him love you any less.  But I've also learned that you can't just say well I'm a bad person, or I'm not good enough, and I'm not worth loving.   Because you are.  And that's something I'm working on in therapy.

If you've been in an abusive relationship, leave that hurt.  If you've been cheated on, leave those feelings of betrayal at the feet of Jesus and just get up.  Work it out.  Talk to someone.  Don't let it keep you sick.  Jesus is the ultimate doctor, let Him heal you.