Animal I Have Become.

I've lost about 8 pounds in the last week.  I've been restricting.  Last week I had a health scare and the doctor told me I need to lose about 50 pounds.  To someone who has struggled with an eating disorder for almost a decade, that is not the easiest thing to hear.   When they told me that, I wanted to break down and cry.  I was already angry with myself for gaining weight from being at college.  I've had a weight problem for years.

Last night, my suite mate and I were watching Mulan.  I said, even though Belle was my favorite, I always identified so much with Mulan as a little girl.  Looking at yourself in the mirror, wondering when the image in your head would finally be what you saw in the reflection.  It wasn't vanity, either.  But I have always been hyper aware of what I look like at all times, so I can berate myself for taking up too much space.  I wanted so badly to make my parents proud of me.  The end of the movie always makes me cry because I have always wanted my Dad to say those things to me.  That he was so proud of me.  I remember realizing with Mulan that if I was to be who I truly am, it would break my family's heart. 

When I have a break up, I restrict.  When I find out that my parents are splitting up, I restrict.  I've just been too nauseated to eat and in too much pain.  I cope by not eating, or eating too much.  There's this monster in my brain and I can't control it.  I know it's potentially deadly and that I shouldn't be playing with fire.

I always return to my Eating Disorder like a long lost lover.  It makes all the noise in my life a quiet hum.  But it's not okay.  I'm not okay.