I can be selfish
Yeah, so impatient
Sometimes I feel like Marilyn Monroe
I’m insecure yeah I make mistakes
Sometimes I feel like I’m at the end of the road
I can get low I can get low
Don’t know which way is up
Yeah I can get high, I can get high
Like I could never come down
Call it a curse
Or just call me blessed
If you can’t handle my worst
You ain’t getting my best
Is this how Marilyn Monroe felt felt felt felt?
Must be how Marilyn Monroe felt felt felt felt
Its like all the good things
They fall apart like…
Like Marilyn Monroe
Truth is we mess up
Till we get it right
I don't want to end up losing my soul
I can get low, I can get low
Don’t know which way is up
Yea I can get high, I can get high
Like I could never come down
Call it a curse
Or just call me blessed
If you can’t handle my worst
You ain’t getting my best
Is this how Marilyn Monroe felt felt felt felt?
Must be how Marilyn Monroe felt felt felt felt
Take me or leave me
I’ll never be perfect
Believe me I’m worth it
So take me or leave me
(So take me or leave me)
So take me or leave me
(So take me or leave me)
Call it a curse or just call
Me blessed if you can't handle
My worst you ain't getting my best
Is this how Marilyn Monroe felt, felt
Felt, felt? Must be how Marilyn Monroe felt,
Felt, felt, felt
Is this how Marilyn Monroe
Felt, felt, felt, felt must be how
Marilyn Monroe felt, felt, felt, felt?
-Marilyn Monroe by Nicki Minaj.
Last night I came out to a lot of people about being Trans* and I was surprised that if people had negative comments, they didn't make them. But, that's not what I want to talk about right now. Yes, it is amazing that I've had support. I also haven't. But honestly, I'm at the point where I know who I am and who I'm not. I'm Blake. Get to know Blake, or there's the door. If you can't handle who I am, the real me, struggling to be a man when society calls for me to be a woman, then take me or leave me. I'm never gonna be perfect, but I'm still worth it and just take me or leave me. If you take me, take me exactly the way I am, flaws and all. If you leave me, then leave me. I just can't handle the in between stuff.
I'm me. I'm not gonna let anyone tell me who I am is wrong.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Thursday, June 7, 2012
1 year... Plus Kitty Minaj.
On June 3, it was one year since my Grandma passed away. I remember blogging about it. I remember speaking at her funeral. I remember crying my eyes out and my Dad and my Granddad having to get me out of the room after she left. I remember saying goodbye and it was really tough.
I didn't want to live without her. I still wish I could call her up. I can't. Recently, I visited my parents in North Carolina for a month. Did I post about that? I can't remember. It was hard. My parents hadn't had the time I've had to get used to me because they don't live with me and they don't see me every day. It's hard for them to use pronouns and my name.
Anyway, I was looking through family photos and it was weird because my Grandma and I looked so alike. We had the same facial expressions. While I was visiting, I decided to re-read Harry Potter. And something one of my favorite characters said really stuck out to me.
When that character died when I was in the 7th grade, it took me years to be able to keep reading.
I mean, the thing is, we don't really want to say goodbye. Death can be sad. It can be hard. I miss my Grandma every day. But he's right, you know? My Grandma is still with me. She's there every time I miss her and I have a feeling that she would still love me as Blake, had she met me.
In the year since I lost her, I've grown so much as a person. I've made mistakes. I lived my life as a borderline alcoholic for a while. I have to take next semester off from school. I have lost friends and pushed God to the sidelines. I came out as transgender. I've been assaulted. I've gained new friends. I've become more secure in myself.
And today, I got a kitty with one of my best friends, Cassi. She's also transgender and my roommate. We call him Kitty Minaj. You see, life happens whether you want it to or not. Things happen and people die and it sucks. Sometimes life is shit. Sometimes it's not. But it's always worth it. Sometimes it's new things like your cat playing with your shoe that remind you to hold on. Sometimes it comes in books I finally have the courage to finish. Sometimes you listen to a song and you're like, oh yeah, that's why I'm alive.
I know I've made some mistakes, but you know what? It's all a part of the process. And I'm gonna be okay.
I didn't want to live without her. I still wish I could call her up. I can't. Recently, I visited my parents in North Carolina for a month. Did I post about that? I can't remember. It was hard. My parents hadn't had the time I've had to get used to me because they don't live with me and they don't see me every day. It's hard for them to use pronouns and my name.
Anyway, I was looking through family photos and it was weird because my Grandma and I looked so alike. We had the same facial expressions. While I was visiting, I decided to re-read Harry Potter. And something one of my favorite characters said really stuck out to me.
When that character died when I was in the 7th grade, it took me years to be able to keep reading.
I mean, the thing is, we don't really want to say goodbye. Death can be sad. It can be hard. I miss my Grandma every day. But he's right, you know? My Grandma is still with me. She's there every time I miss her and I have a feeling that she would still love me as Blake, had she met me.
In the year since I lost her, I've grown so much as a person. I've made mistakes. I lived my life as a borderline alcoholic for a while. I have to take next semester off from school. I have lost friends and pushed God to the sidelines. I came out as transgender. I've been assaulted. I've gained new friends. I've become more secure in myself.
And today, I got a kitty with one of my best friends, Cassi. She's also transgender and my roommate. We call him Kitty Minaj. You see, life happens whether you want it to or not. Things happen and people die and it sucks. Sometimes life is shit. Sometimes it's not. But it's always worth it. Sometimes it's new things like your cat playing with your shoe that remind you to hold on. Sometimes it comes in books I finally have the courage to finish. Sometimes you listen to a song and you're like, oh yeah, that's why I'm alive.
I know I've made some mistakes, but you know what? It's all a part of the process. And I'm gonna be okay.
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