I didn't want to live without her. I still wish I could call her up. I can't. Recently, I visited my parents in North Carolina for a month. Did I post about that? I can't remember. It was hard. My parents hadn't had the time I've had to get used to me because they don't live with me and they don't see me every day. It's hard for them to use pronouns and my name.
Anyway, I was looking through family photos and it was weird because my Grandma and I looked so alike. We had the same facial expressions. While I was visiting, I decided to re-read Harry Potter. And something one of my favorite characters said really stuck out to me.
When that character died when I was in the 7th grade, it took me years to be able to keep reading.
I mean, the thing is, we don't really want to say goodbye. Death can be sad. It can be hard. I miss my Grandma every day. But he's right, you know? My Grandma is still with me. She's there every time I miss her and I have a feeling that she would still love me as Blake, had she met me.
In the year since I lost her, I've grown so much as a person. I've made mistakes. I lived my life as a borderline alcoholic for a while. I have to take next semester off from school. I have lost friends and pushed God to the sidelines. I came out as transgender. I've been assaulted. I've gained new friends. I've become more secure in myself.
And today, I got a kitty with one of my best friends, Cassi. She's also transgender and my roommate. We call him Kitty Minaj. You see, life happens whether you want it to or not. Things happen and people die and it sucks. Sometimes life is shit. Sometimes it's not. But it's always worth it. Sometimes it's new things like your cat playing with your shoe that remind you to hold on. Sometimes it comes in books I finally have the courage to finish. Sometimes you listen to a song and you're like, oh yeah, that's why I'm alive.
I know I've made some mistakes, but you know what? It's all a part of the process. And I'm gonna be okay.
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