There's this one quote from Grey's Anatomy I absolutely love:
"At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them." And there's another one that I also think fits me right now: "Intimacy is a four syllable word for, 'Here's my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger, and enjoy.' It's both desired, and feared. Difficult to live with, and impossible to live without."
Since my ex, I haven't really let people in. And I basically told myself to just be alone for the rest of my life because I'm scared of getting hurt. But I've realized now that being an island and being okay with being alone and pushing others away isn't what's good for me, either. I've realized that life is so freaking messy and people do things to hurt you and there is darkness. But I've also seen some people do incredible things and I know that God is real in my life. But I've realized that by pushing people off my island, I've been doing that to God, too. And because I have been pushing God away and not letting Him be close to me, I've missed out on good things. I've missed out on things like going out with people because I'm scared they'll all leave. I've missed out on spending quality time with God because I'm convinced that I deserved to have what happened with my ex happen.
My point is this: I know I need to let people in. I know that God has to be number one in my life, but I can't keep pushing others away because I end up doing that to God, too. And I've realized that I'm not meant to go through life alone.
Here's my heart. Please don't break it.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Drinking to Oblivion.
I'm 15 years old and downing Vodka like it's water with some of my best friends. This is the first time I've drank, and I like the way I begin to loosen up. I don't care about my sorrows. I don't care that my boyfriend is a jerk who is cheating on me while I'm in and out of treatment. I don't care about being on anti-depressants. I don't care, because I'm not drinking to forget, I'm drinking to erase myself.
I'm drinking to get the courage to die. When I'm drinking, everything feels amazing. There's this warm sensation in my stomach, like I could curl inward and hug myself. I throw my head back and say how amazing life is. One of my guy friends looks at me with a puzzled look on his face, because he knows I'm suicidal on a daily basis. He takes the bottle away and tells me to slow down. But I don't want to.
I tell him how amazing it would be if you could feel like this 24/7. I tell him I enjoy being smashed. As my vision starts to blur, I keep drinking. I can't remember to this day how many I have had. I know that I fell down the stairs, began swearing like a sailor, and then threw up violently in the sink. I remember the same boy who took my bottle away telling me how he was tired of my sh*t and that I needed to get myself together. He didn't want to be my babysitter anymore. I thought it was odd, coming from a meth head.
I tried to drink to oblivion, and I got alcohol poisoning. At 15 years old. I oddly enough woke up in the morning and made everyone breakfast, and I didn't even feel hungover. I didn't care about anything. I remember priding myself on that. I could get smashed and not feel a thing. I was happy that my body was so good at being thrown around. I thought it would never catch up to me. But it did.
When you're drinking to erase yourself, to forget everything, to erase your sorrows, when you do stop having that buzz, you feel worse. You feel like nothing matters when you drink, but when you finally sober up, you feel lower than you did. Everything hits you harder than you thought possible.
On Monday it will be 2 weeks until my 21st birthday. I will be legal, but I don't have the desire to erase myself. I know that drinking to oblivion, or drinking to forget, to erase, to numb, to cope, is not the answer. I'm not 15 anymore, and it's crazy to see how far I've come from all that damage I have done to myself.
I'm drinking to get the courage to die. When I'm drinking, everything feels amazing. There's this warm sensation in my stomach, like I could curl inward and hug myself. I throw my head back and say how amazing life is. One of my guy friends looks at me with a puzzled look on his face, because he knows I'm suicidal on a daily basis. He takes the bottle away and tells me to slow down. But I don't want to.
I tell him how amazing it would be if you could feel like this 24/7. I tell him I enjoy being smashed. As my vision starts to blur, I keep drinking. I can't remember to this day how many I have had. I know that I fell down the stairs, began swearing like a sailor, and then threw up violently in the sink. I remember the same boy who took my bottle away telling me how he was tired of my sh*t and that I needed to get myself together. He didn't want to be my babysitter anymore. I thought it was odd, coming from a meth head.
I tried to drink to oblivion, and I got alcohol poisoning. At 15 years old. I oddly enough woke up in the morning and made everyone breakfast, and I didn't even feel hungover. I didn't care about anything. I remember priding myself on that. I could get smashed and not feel a thing. I was happy that my body was so good at being thrown around. I thought it would never catch up to me. But it did.
When you're drinking to erase yourself, to forget everything, to erase your sorrows, when you do stop having that buzz, you feel worse. You feel like nothing matters when you drink, but when you finally sober up, you feel lower than you did. Everything hits you harder than you thought possible.
On Monday it will be 2 weeks until my 21st birthday. I will be legal, but I don't have the desire to erase myself. I know that drinking to oblivion, or drinking to forget, to erase, to numb, to cope, is not the answer. I'm not 15 anymore, and it's crazy to see how far I've come from all that damage I have done to myself.
I'm Awesome (And So Are You)
At breakfast today, I told Jeff this: You know what, I'm awesome. And if people can't see that, that's their problem. Kevin was an idiot for throwing me away like garbage and I'm not going to lay down and die for that freaking jerk. Or anyone else.
I'm awesome. And so are you. You have so much worth and if people can't see that, then they're dumb. Because who you are is pretty amazing. So don't ever change who you are for someone to like you more, because there are people out there who love you the way you are.
I'm awesome. And so are you. You have so much worth and if people can't see that, then they're dumb. Because who you are is pretty amazing. So don't ever change who you are for someone to like you more, because there are people out there who love you the way you are.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
4 Lessons I've Learned This Week...
If you've read my earlier posts, you would know that I have officially relapsed. Last Friday I started a low dose of lexapro, an anti-depressant that they only put you on when you've had a long history of depression, or very major depression, when no other anti-depressant works. In my case, it's both. I started taking lexapro in March of 2006, after my 3rd hospitalization for a suicide attempt. I was on them for the rest of high school, but right before graduation, I was considered recovered, and I was taken off them, which was one of my main goals.
I spent a good 3.5 years on a 40mg dose. That's a really high dose of serotonin, but in my case, it was needed. I'm being tapered on, and I'm spending a week at 10mg a day, then I will increase to 20mg until my doctors appointment in about 2 weeks, when she will do another major depression inventory and most likely put me back on the 40mg.
This week has been a challenge for me, but I've learned 4 lessons and I'd like to share them.
1. Do not let anyone push you around when it comes to your recovery. I love my Mom, but she has never been diagnosed with a mental illness. She can't possibly understand what I've gone through or know exactly what is right for me. She can be supportive, but when it comes down to it, I've had this illness on and off, but mostly on, since 2003. I will have it on and off for the rest of my life. I know what I need to do to make sure I keep myself alive, because I have a moral obligation to keep my heart beating. It started with a phone call a little over a month ago, telling my Mom that I was back in therapy, dealing with some issues. Which was true. She said, okay, if that's what you want. But don't waste a lot of money or time on it if you don't need it. When I told her it was a free service at school, she said, okay, if you need it. Then last Thursday night I told my Mom that I had relapsed but I had a doctors appointment in the morning to put me back on anti-depressants. She said, okay, but see if you can stay on a low dose. You don't want to be on them for the rest of your life. I told her that my main goal was just making sure I make it through winter and the spring because I also have to be really careful, because the winter is when I really dip low in serotonin, which is the main neurotransmitter that, when low, causes depression. My point is this: You know your own body. You know what is right for you. And if you want recovery, you have to fight like hell for that to happen. Do not let anyone take advantage of you, or tell you what you need, because you know better than anyone else what is right for you.
2. You matter. Yesterday, I grabbed a fortune cookie after lunch, and this is what it said:
Your contribution is significant. You matter. One of the lovely things about depression is that it tells you horrible things, all day long. It tells you things like, you deserve to be miserable. You are a horrible person. The world would be a better place without you in it. I felt like that, yesterday. I felt like so many people would benefit had I never been born, and I couldn't help but feel that God had a little note to tell me otherwise, that I matter, that what I bring to the world and to those in my life, has a meaning and a purpose. I couldn't help but feel that he was telling me Jeremiah 29:11. He has a plan for me, and I have something to offer to the world. The same thing is true for you. You bring so much to the world. My best friend reminded me yesterday about how last May I talked one of my childhood friends out of suicide, from 2000 miles away, over the phone. Depression had not allowed me to remember that, but had I never been born, one of my closest friends would have offed himself! The world would be a colder and darker place without you in it. Your contribution is significant, you matter.
3. As hard as it is, get out of bed. Depression likes to tell you to stay in bed all day long. It likes to tell you that it doesn't matter, there is no point to even getting dressed. Even if you just sit on the couch all day in your pjs, get out of bed. Lying in the dark all day, in your bed, does nothing good for you. Even if it's just something as simple as getting up and then watching a movie, leave the bed. And if you can, make that bed, and then if you can, do something else small. But get out and get moving. I had to start gym class last week, and twice a week, I have to run for an hour. I have realized that it does wonders for my mood! Exercise raises your endorphins. Endorphins allow you to heal faster when injured, and they also elevate your mood. Get moving. I have found that when I have just me and the track before me, and my iPod on, I can just let my mind wander and I don't have to think about all the garbage. I can just keep going. Get moving. Don't lay down and die.
4. It won't be like this forever. You weren't always this low, you won't always be this low. Just as you don't have the flu your entire life, you won't always have depression. When you are that low, it's easy to focus on how ending your life might be the right choice, but it isn't, because it's just a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And I'm not here to belittle your feelings. Because I used to have those feelings, every minute, of every day. With the relapse I've had, the thoughts have crossed my mind, what would it be like if I wasn't here, but I can't act on them, and that is why I am taking the steps to make sure I take care of myself, because I know that I had a 2 year break where I wasn't like this. And I know that there will be a day when I am in a state of recovery again. It won't be like this forever. Keep holding on. One more minute. Then another. I used to count the minutes that passed when I was literally holding a bottle of pills, ready to overdose. Keep holding on, because you will see the sun again. These feelings will pass, it can't be like this forever.
I spent a good 3.5 years on a 40mg dose. That's a really high dose of serotonin, but in my case, it was needed. I'm being tapered on, and I'm spending a week at 10mg a day, then I will increase to 20mg until my doctors appointment in about 2 weeks, when she will do another major depression inventory and most likely put me back on the 40mg.
This week has been a challenge for me, but I've learned 4 lessons and I'd like to share them.
1. Do not let anyone push you around when it comes to your recovery. I love my Mom, but she has never been diagnosed with a mental illness. She can't possibly understand what I've gone through or know exactly what is right for me. She can be supportive, but when it comes down to it, I've had this illness on and off, but mostly on, since 2003. I will have it on and off for the rest of my life. I know what I need to do to make sure I keep myself alive, because I have a moral obligation to keep my heart beating. It started with a phone call a little over a month ago, telling my Mom that I was back in therapy, dealing with some issues. Which was true. She said, okay, if that's what you want. But don't waste a lot of money or time on it if you don't need it. When I told her it was a free service at school, she said, okay, if you need it. Then last Thursday night I told my Mom that I had relapsed but I had a doctors appointment in the morning to put me back on anti-depressants. She said, okay, but see if you can stay on a low dose. You don't want to be on them for the rest of your life. I told her that my main goal was just making sure I make it through winter and the spring because I also have to be really careful, because the winter is when I really dip low in serotonin, which is the main neurotransmitter that, when low, causes depression. My point is this: You know your own body. You know what is right for you. And if you want recovery, you have to fight like hell for that to happen. Do not let anyone take advantage of you, or tell you what you need, because you know better than anyone else what is right for you.
2. You matter. Yesterday, I grabbed a fortune cookie after lunch, and this is what it said:
Your contribution is significant. You matter. One of the lovely things about depression is that it tells you horrible things, all day long. It tells you things like, you deserve to be miserable. You are a horrible person. The world would be a better place without you in it. I felt like that, yesterday. I felt like so many people would benefit had I never been born, and I couldn't help but feel that God had a little note to tell me otherwise, that I matter, that what I bring to the world and to those in my life, has a meaning and a purpose. I couldn't help but feel that he was telling me Jeremiah 29:11. He has a plan for me, and I have something to offer to the world. The same thing is true for you. You bring so much to the world. My best friend reminded me yesterday about how last May I talked one of my childhood friends out of suicide, from 2000 miles away, over the phone. Depression had not allowed me to remember that, but had I never been born, one of my closest friends would have offed himself! The world would be a colder and darker place without you in it. Your contribution is significant, you matter.
3. As hard as it is, get out of bed. Depression likes to tell you to stay in bed all day long. It likes to tell you that it doesn't matter, there is no point to even getting dressed. Even if you just sit on the couch all day in your pjs, get out of bed. Lying in the dark all day, in your bed, does nothing good for you. Even if it's just something as simple as getting up and then watching a movie, leave the bed. And if you can, make that bed, and then if you can, do something else small. But get out and get moving. I had to start gym class last week, and twice a week, I have to run for an hour. I have realized that it does wonders for my mood! Exercise raises your endorphins. Endorphins allow you to heal faster when injured, and they also elevate your mood. Get moving. I have found that when I have just me and the track before me, and my iPod on, I can just let my mind wander and I don't have to think about all the garbage. I can just keep going. Get moving. Don't lay down and die.
4. It won't be like this forever. You weren't always this low, you won't always be this low. Just as you don't have the flu your entire life, you won't always have depression. When you are that low, it's easy to focus on how ending your life might be the right choice, but it isn't, because it's just a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And I'm not here to belittle your feelings. Because I used to have those feelings, every minute, of every day. With the relapse I've had, the thoughts have crossed my mind, what would it be like if I wasn't here, but I can't act on them, and that is why I am taking the steps to make sure I take care of myself, because I know that I had a 2 year break where I wasn't like this. And I know that there will be a day when I am in a state of recovery again. It won't be like this forever. Keep holding on. One more minute. Then another. I used to count the minutes that passed when I was literally holding a bottle of pills, ready to overdose. Keep holding on, because you will see the sun again. These feelings will pass, it can't be like this forever.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Never Good Enough.
Everybody said she was a winner
No one knew the secret kept within her
Starving for perfection
Hating her reflection
She tries harder then the average teen
An overachiever with low self-esteem
Wants to walk like a star
But she takes it too far
She's never good enough
Wants to be Mary-Kate
Perfect weight, 88
She's never good enough
Now her friends all know about her problem
They all try their best to try to solve them
She feels like she's on trial
But she's still in denial
She tries harder then the average teen
An overachiever with low self-esteem
Wants to walk like a star
But she takes it too far
She's never good enough
Wants to be Mary-Kate
Perfect weight, 88
She's never good enough
Who's in control now?...
Who's in control now?...
Everybody said she was a winner
No one knew the secret kept within her
She tries harder then the average teen
An overachiever with low self-esteem
Wants to walk like a star
But she takes it too far
She's never good enough
Wants to be Mary-Kate
Perfect weight, 88
She's never good enough
She tries harder then the average teen
An overachiever with low self-esteem-Never Good Enough by Rachel Ferguson. While there are some things that annoy me, this song is a pretty good look at what it's like to have an eating disorder and the battle that it is. The only thing that bothers me is the whole Mary-Kate thing, because every girl I've known with anorexia has told me that they didn't lose weight to look like a celebrity. I've mostly had NOS and I never tried to be like Mary Kate, either.
Anyway, with an ED, it can quickly become a huge problem. You try so hard to lose weight and be good enough but you never reach your goals, because as soon as you reach one goal, it's not good enough, so you make more goals. Who's in control now? Not you. You think by doing the behaviors that you are in control, but the ED has you wrapped up and you can't get out. You're trapped until you give it up forever.
In Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia by Marya Hornbacher, which is one of my favorite memoirs, there is a quote in there that says "Gaining weight and pulling my head out of the closet was the most political act I ever committed." You can say that the media triggers you, and that it's not fair that girls are expected to be thin, but at the end of the day, you have to realize that an ED is not the way to happiness, no matter what some people might want you to believe. The truth is, it will rob you of everything in life that you hold dear. But at the end of the day, you have to let the behaviors go. You have to realize that most of the girls you see in the magazines aren't even real. It's called airbrushing and photoshopping and some ads are even a compilation of random body parts, so some of those women that you see don't even exist!
You can stop the cycle though, once you realize that what an ED costs you is not worth the price of being thin or beautiful. Once you realize that perfection doesn't exist, you can stop striving for this ideal that doesn't ever leave you satisfied. What it leaves you is nothing but sorrow and misery and in some cases, seriously sick, malnurished, and in about 20% of people suffering, dead.
Eating disorders are not worth it.
No one knew the secret kept within her
Starving for perfection
Hating her reflection
She tries harder then the average teen
An overachiever with low self-esteem
Wants to walk like a star
But she takes it too far
She's never good enough
Wants to be Mary-Kate
Perfect weight, 88
She's never good enough
Now her friends all know about her problem
They all try their best to try to solve them
She feels like she's on trial
But she's still in denial
She tries harder then the average teen
An overachiever with low self-esteem
Wants to walk like a star
But she takes it too far
She's never good enough
Wants to be Mary-Kate
Perfect weight, 88
She's never good enough
Who's in control now?...
Who's in control now?...
Everybody said she was a winner
No one knew the secret kept within her
She tries harder then the average teen
An overachiever with low self-esteem
Wants to walk like a star
But she takes it too far
She's never good enough
Wants to be Mary-Kate
Perfect weight, 88
She's never good enough
She tries harder then the average teen
An overachiever with low self-esteem-Never Good Enough by Rachel Ferguson. While there are some things that annoy me, this song is a pretty good look at what it's like to have an eating disorder and the battle that it is. The only thing that bothers me is the whole Mary-Kate thing, because every girl I've known with anorexia has told me that they didn't lose weight to look like a celebrity. I've mostly had NOS and I never tried to be like Mary Kate, either.
Anyway, with an ED, it can quickly become a huge problem. You try so hard to lose weight and be good enough but you never reach your goals, because as soon as you reach one goal, it's not good enough, so you make more goals. Who's in control now? Not you. You think by doing the behaviors that you are in control, but the ED has you wrapped up and you can't get out. You're trapped until you give it up forever.
In Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia by Marya Hornbacher, which is one of my favorite memoirs, there is a quote in there that says "Gaining weight and pulling my head out of the closet was the most political act I ever committed." You can say that the media triggers you, and that it's not fair that girls are expected to be thin, but at the end of the day, you have to realize that an ED is not the way to happiness, no matter what some people might want you to believe. The truth is, it will rob you of everything in life that you hold dear. But at the end of the day, you have to let the behaviors go. You have to realize that most of the girls you see in the magazines aren't even real. It's called airbrushing and photoshopping and some ads are even a compilation of random body parts, so some of those women that you see don't even exist!
You can stop the cycle though, once you realize that what an ED costs you is not worth the price of being thin or beautiful. Once you realize that perfection doesn't exist, you can stop striving for this ideal that doesn't ever leave you satisfied. What it leaves you is nothing but sorrow and misery and in some cases, seriously sick, malnurished, and in about 20% of people suffering, dead.
Eating disorders are not worth it.
Friday, October 21, 2011
It's Friday, I'm In Love.
I know I've posted a lot today, but I just feel like getting this one out there today. And since, it is Friday, I think it fits.
I don't care if Monday's blue
Tuesday's gray and Wednesday too
Thursday I don't care about you
It's Friday, I'm in love
Monday you can fall apart
Tuesday, Wednesday break my heart
Oh, Thursday doesn't even start
It's Friday I'm in love
Saturday, wait
And Sunday always comes too late
But Friday, never hesitate...
I don't care if Mondays black
Tuesday, Wednesday - heart attack
Thursday, never looking back
It's Friday, I'm in love
Monday, you can hold your head
Tuesday, Wednesday stay in bed
Or Thursday - watch the walls instead
It's Friday, I'm in love
Saturday, wait
And Sunday always comes too late
But Friday, never hesitate...
Dressed up to the eyes
It's a wonderful surprise
To see your shoes and your spirits rise
Throwing out your frown
And just smiling at the sound
And as sleek as a sheik
Spinning round and round
Always take a big bite
It's such a gorgeous sight
To see you eat in the middle of the night
You can never get enough
Enough of this stuff
It's Friday, I'm in love
I don't care if Monday's blue
Tuesday's gray and Wednesday too
Thursday I don't care about you
It's Friday, I'm in love
Monday you can fall apart
Tuesday, Wednesday break my heart
Thursday doesn't even start
It's Friday I'm in love
I'm not the biggest fan of the Cure, but I love this song. I know I have depression, but I can choose to not let myself drown in it. I can choose to not focus on my ex, he's like Thursday, I don't care about you. I can choose to be fighting for my recovery.
I haven't been on a date since 2008. I haven't let people in that much. I'm not saying I'm gonna run off and get a boyfriend, because I do need to get healthy first, but I do need to actually let people in and do something fun for myself instead of wallowing. And maybe someday, I can go on a date and let someone in again and know that it's not always going to bad, but I won't ever know if I don't ever try.
I've gotten good at convincing myself that I'm content with loneliness, because no one is worth the risk. But I think that's not true anymore. It's not so good to push people away. I think I'm going to let someone in. Because it's Friday, and I'm in love. :D
I don't care if Monday's blue
Tuesday's gray and Wednesday too
Thursday I don't care about you
It's Friday, I'm in love
Monday you can fall apart
Tuesday, Wednesday break my heart
Oh, Thursday doesn't even start
It's Friday I'm in love
Saturday, wait
And Sunday always comes too late
But Friday, never hesitate...
I don't care if Mondays black
Tuesday, Wednesday - heart attack
Thursday, never looking back
It's Friday, I'm in love
Monday, you can hold your head
Tuesday, Wednesday stay in bed
Or Thursday - watch the walls instead
It's Friday, I'm in love
Saturday, wait
And Sunday always comes too late
But Friday, never hesitate...
Dressed up to the eyes
It's a wonderful surprise
To see your shoes and your spirits rise
Throwing out your frown
And just smiling at the sound
And as sleek as a sheik
Spinning round and round
Always take a big bite
It's such a gorgeous sight
To see you eat in the middle of the night
You can never get enough
Enough of this stuff
It's Friday, I'm in love
I don't care if Monday's blue
Tuesday's gray and Wednesday too
Thursday I don't care about you
It's Friday, I'm in love
Monday you can fall apart
Tuesday, Wednesday break my heart
Thursday doesn't even start
It's Friday I'm in love
I'm not the biggest fan of the Cure, but I love this song. I know I have depression, but I can choose to not let myself drown in it. I can choose to not focus on my ex, he's like Thursday, I don't care about you. I can choose to be fighting for my recovery.
I haven't been on a date since 2008. I haven't let people in that much. I'm not saying I'm gonna run off and get a boyfriend, because I do need to get healthy first, but I do need to actually let people in and do something fun for myself instead of wallowing. And maybe someday, I can go on a date and let someone in again and know that it's not always going to bad, but I won't ever know if I don't ever try.
I've gotten good at convincing myself that I'm content with loneliness, because no one is worth the risk. But I think that's not true anymore. It's not so good to push people away. I think I'm going to let someone in. Because it's Friday, and I'm in love. :D
Therapy.
I don’t understand why so many people are so freaked out by the word “therapist.” Therapy ain’t such a bad thing, you know.
Now, I understand that therapists are like mechanics. There are good ones and bad ones. Those who know what they’re doing, and those who don’t. Those that are happy to rip you off by putting a Band-Aid over the problem, and those that are generally concerned about getting you fixed up. Those that find problems that don’t actually exist, and those that only fix the problems that do.
But that doesn’t change the fact that sometimes you need your car fixed, and sometimes you need to be fixed, and that most of us lack the skills to fix the harder things on our own.
After thirty years of life, I’m far from knowing everything, but I’ve been around the block enough times to know that just about everybody is screwed up in one way or another. I am. You are. Even Jim Bob over there is.
We all have unhealthy ways of thinking. We all do reactionary things that are self-sabotaging and that create more problems. We all have things we’ve been trying to overcome for years, and for some reason we just can’t.
As for me, I’ve been to therapy probably more than fifty times. I love it. In fact, it’s been far too long since I’ve seen my therapist, and even though I’m feeling healthy and with it, I’m aching to setup another appointment to work on some things.
But why does the word therapist freak people out? Why, if I tell you I’m going to see my therapist, do you think I’m nutso or crazy? Why does that put a stigma on me?
Personally, if I’m dating a girl, and she tells me she goes to see a therapist, I think to myself hell yeah. That’s a girl worth a second date! To me, it simply means that she’s one of the few screwed-up people in this world being proactive about getting herself un-screwed-up.
Perhaps one of the reasons people don’t like therapy is that they’re afraid to work on what they know deep down they’re afraid to work on. Perhaps they’re afraid of facing truths that are buried somewhere within. Perhaps they know that overcoming crap in one’s life takes serious effort and serious strength, and it’s easier to just call therapists “quacks” and write off the program altogether.
We all got screwed-up by our parents in one way or another (and subsequently, we’ll all screw-up our kids in one way or another). We all got screwed-up by our friends and our peers. We all got screwed-up on camp-outs, slumber parties, sleep-overs, or while hanging out with our pals. We all got screwed up by lovers and those who should have loved us. We all got screwed-up by teachers and youth leaders. We all got screwed-up by the television, radio, books, magazines, and other media. We all got screwed-up all along the way. There are unlimited opportunities for human beings to get screwed-up.
So why is it so bad to undo some of the worst of it?
Sure, everything that my therapist teaches me I could read in a book. Everything she uncovers within me is something I could probably figure out how to uncover myself. But I didn’t, and I don’t, and that’s why I use a therapist. And I have a damn good one too.
At the very least, when you hear that somebody’s going to therapy, think good for you instead of trying to figure out what might be “wrong with them.” Because no matter how personally good or healthy I mentally get, I’ll always go see my therapist once in a while, and I’d hate to have everybody think I was unstable or whacked because of it.
Now, I understand that therapists are like mechanics. There are good ones and bad ones. Those who know what they’re doing, and those who don’t. Those that are happy to rip you off by putting a Band-Aid over the problem, and those that are generally concerned about getting you fixed up. Those that find problems that don’t actually exist, and those that only fix the problems that do.
But that doesn’t change the fact that sometimes you need your car fixed, and sometimes you need to be fixed, and that most of us lack the skills to fix the harder things on our own.
After thirty years of life, I’m far from knowing everything, but I’ve been around the block enough times to know that just about everybody is screwed up in one way or another. I am. You are. Even Jim Bob over there is.
We all have unhealthy ways of thinking. We all do reactionary things that are self-sabotaging and that create more problems. We all have things we’ve been trying to overcome for years, and for some reason we just can’t.
As for me, I’ve been to therapy probably more than fifty times. I love it. In fact, it’s been far too long since I’ve seen my therapist, and even though I’m feeling healthy and with it, I’m aching to setup another appointment to work on some things.
But why does the word therapist freak people out? Why, if I tell you I’m going to see my therapist, do you think I’m nutso or crazy? Why does that put a stigma on me?
Personally, if I’m dating a girl, and she tells me she goes to see a therapist, I think to myself hell yeah. That’s a girl worth a second date! To me, it simply means that she’s one of the few screwed-up people in this world being proactive about getting herself un-screwed-up.
Perhaps one of the reasons people don’t like therapy is that they’re afraid to work on what they know deep down they’re afraid to work on. Perhaps they’re afraid of facing truths that are buried somewhere within. Perhaps they know that overcoming crap in one’s life takes serious effort and serious strength, and it’s easier to just call therapists “quacks” and write off the program altogether.
We all got screwed-up by our parents in one way or another (and subsequently, we’ll all screw-up our kids in one way or another). We all got screwed-up by our friends and our peers. We all got screwed-up on camp-outs, slumber parties, sleep-overs, or while hanging out with our pals. We all got screwed up by lovers and those who should have loved us. We all got screwed-up by teachers and youth leaders. We all got screwed-up by the television, radio, books, magazines, and other media. We all got screwed-up all along the way. There are unlimited opportunities for human beings to get screwed-up.
So why is it so bad to undo some of the worst of it?
Sure, everything that my therapist teaches me I could read in a book. Everything she uncovers within me is something I could probably figure out how to uncover myself. But I didn’t, and I don’t, and that’s why I use a therapist. And I have a damn good one too.
At the very least, when you hear that somebody’s going to therapy, think good for you instead of trying to figure out what might be “wrong with them.” Because no matter how personally good or healthy I mentally get, I’ll always go see my therapist once in a while, and I’d hate to have everybody think I was unstable or whacked because of it.
This Time Imperfect.
I cannot leave here, I cannot stay,
Forever haunted, more than afraid.
Asphyxiate on words I would say,
I'm drawn to a blackened sky as I turn blue.
There are no flowers, no not this time,
There'll be no angels gracing the lines,
Just these stark words, I find.
I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak,
I'd share with you could I only speak,
Just how much this, hurts me.
I cannot stay here, I cannot leave,
Just like all I loved, I make believe.
Imagine heart, I disappear, seems,
No one will appear, here and make me real.
There are no flowers, no not this time,
There'll be no angels gracing the lines,
Just these stark words, I find.
I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak,
I'd share with you could I only speak,
Just how much this, hurts me.
I'd tell you how it haunts me,
I'd tell you how it haunts me,
(cuts through my day, and sinks into my dreams.)
I'd tell you how it haunts me,
(cuts through my day, and sinks into my dreams.)
You don't care that it haunts me.
Oh,
There are no flowers, no not this time,
There'll be no angels gracing the lines,
Just these stark words, I find.
I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak,
I'd share with you could I only speak,
Just how much this, hurts me.
Just how much this, hurts me.
Just how much you...
-This Time Imperfect by AFI.
I was a freshman in high school when I discovered this song. Davey Havok will always be one of my favorite singers. I remember pouring over the lyrics of his songs in therapy and wondering when the heck I would start to feel better. I remember my therapist of 6 years asking me why the heck I loved this song in particular so much.
I remember telling her how it was a lack of colour. I saw everything in black and white and shades of grey. I felt like all the colour in my life had drained out. There were no words to describe how low I felt. How I didn't think there would ever be colour again, or how tired I was of faking a smile and just trying to get through my day.
I was put back on anti-depressants today. The doctor thinks I should just stay on them for the rest of my life since I will have highs and lows for the rest of my life. That happens. That's normal when you've been where I've been. Things happen. Sometimes you fall, but the main thing is to get back up after you fall. I went to the doctor today and I've been back in therapy for about a month. I'll probably have to do something similar for the rest of my life, but that is what I need to do to take care of myself. Today was a big step in the right direction, because I admitted that I wasn't fine, and I made a plan to get back to the right track.
My goal is to hang on and not get worse until they kick in and start working right so that I can feel more like me. Even though I've definitely relapsed back into depression, I know that there is still light, even in my dark places. There will be colour again. Flowers will grow. I'm not going to stay stuck in the dead of winter for the rest of my life. I might have to stay in therapy and be medicated heavily for the rest of my life, but I am not going to lay down and die. I know that the lows are a lot more spread out than they used to be, and I know that there will be light in my life and there will be flowers.
Forever haunted, more than afraid.
Asphyxiate on words I would say,
I'm drawn to a blackened sky as I turn blue.
There are no flowers, no not this time,
There'll be no angels gracing the lines,
Just these stark words, I find.
I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak,
I'd share with you could I only speak,
Just how much this, hurts me.
I cannot stay here, I cannot leave,
Just like all I loved, I make believe.
Imagine heart, I disappear, seems,
No one will appear, here and make me real.
There are no flowers, no not this time,
There'll be no angels gracing the lines,
Just these stark words, I find.
I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak,
I'd share with you could I only speak,
Just how much this, hurts me.
I'd tell you how it haunts me,
I'd tell you how it haunts me,
(cuts through my day, and sinks into my dreams.)
I'd tell you how it haunts me,
(cuts through my day, and sinks into my dreams.)
You don't care that it haunts me.
Oh,
There are no flowers, no not this time,
There'll be no angels gracing the lines,
Just these stark words, I find.
I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak,
I'd share with you could I only speak,
Just how much this, hurts me.
Just how much this, hurts me.
Just how much you...
-This Time Imperfect by AFI.
I was a freshman in high school when I discovered this song. Davey Havok will always be one of my favorite singers. I remember pouring over the lyrics of his songs in therapy and wondering when the heck I would start to feel better. I remember my therapist of 6 years asking me why the heck I loved this song in particular so much.
I remember telling her how it was a lack of colour. I saw everything in black and white and shades of grey. I felt like all the colour in my life had drained out. There were no words to describe how low I felt. How I didn't think there would ever be colour again, or how tired I was of faking a smile and just trying to get through my day.
I was put back on anti-depressants today. The doctor thinks I should just stay on them for the rest of my life since I will have highs and lows for the rest of my life. That happens. That's normal when you've been where I've been. Things happen. Sometimes you fall, but the main thing is to get back up after you fall. I went to the doctor today and I've been back in therapy for about a month. I'll probably have to do something similar for the rest of my life, but that is what I need to do to take care of myself. Today was a big step in the right direction, because I admitted that I wasn't fine, and I made a plan to get back to the right track.
My goal is to hang on and not get worse until they kick in and start working right so that I can feel more like me. Even though I've definitely relapsed back into depression, I know that there is still light, even in my dark places. There will be colour again. Flowers will grow. I'm not going to stay stuck in the dead of winter for the rest of my life. I might have to stay in therapy and be medicated heavily for the rest of my life, but I am not going to lay down and die. I know that the lows are a lot more spread out than they used to be, and I know that there will be light in my life and there will be flowers.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
A Simple Lesson.
My best friend and I were just watching A Snoodle's Tale and it made me remember not to let others words weigh my pack down. God sees us the way we're meant to be. He made us special and He loves us very much. I know, it's cheesy, but I can't tell you how much it's true.
There's this one song by Superchick that I think really fits with this.
I have so much to offer the world, but I seem to forget who I am in God's eyes when my bricks are weighing me down.
God loves you so much. He cares and loves you more than you could ever imagine. I can't promise that things will be perfect 100% of the time, because I still struggle, but I know that God loves me and He loves you, too. So, let's let go of our bricks and stop drowning in the words people say.
The final fight I'll win.
Being honest here, I'm slipping.
I have therapy at 2. I'm surviving classes. I'm still breathing. I still haven't cut or purged. But I can feel myself slipping. I'm starting to break again, just when I was starting to do so well.
Sometimes I just want to hold myself and cry. Sometimes, I wonder why I should get up. Sometimes, I begin to wonder, what would I do if I had a breakdown? Would I try and jump off the bridge and into the Mississippi river? Would I try and find a gun? Would I kill myself?
Because, being honest, there will always be a part of me that thinks that dying is romantic. There's a part of me that will always think that suicide is the answer. But, that's only a slight part of me. The majority of me thinks that suicide is NOT the answer. There is a part of me that knows that depression is a battle. That knows that I've got chronic/recurrent depression and that I will probably be going back on medication to combat this.
Because I don't just want to lay down and die. I want to keep fighting. And over the last 3 years, I've been doing really well. I know it's a war, and I want to win the final battle.
But when I begin to slip, the part of me that wants to lay down and die, it gets bigger. The part of me that thinks that there is nothing left in me, that it all drained out, that I'm dead inside, or hollow, that I keep holding on but I'm really already dead, it starts to consume me. And I get more depressed. I can't get out of bed. I get impulsive. My thoughts race. This world would be better off without me, I feel it, so heavy. Then, woops, I took a bunch of pills. I didn't really want to die, it was just the lows.
My therapist and I have been talking about the lines. There is a line that I walk. I float right at the line between recovery and depression. I stay right at the point where my thoughts about myself can still be low, but not enough to where I'm being destructive. Then, I fall, and it's fast. I'm back in the deep deep lows. I act on something, rest for a while, get back on medications, and then I get back to the line in the middle road.
Sometimes I want to tell my parents, it's not a matter of how I kill myself one day, it's a matter of when.
Because I am almost 21 years old. The first time I tried to end my life, I was 11. By the time I graduated high school at 18, I had tried over 20 times. Some of them were half-assed attempts. Most of them were not. Only one was a cry out for help. Only one time did I not want to be successful.
This is the reality. I have never once thought, hmm, how can I get attention? In fact, I wish I didn't have this problem. I wish that my battles weren't so tough. But I know I want to keep trying and keep going. Even if I get low. Even if right now I'm at a critical point where I can feel myself falling lower.
It's a battle. I have to keep fighting and hope like hell that I win.
I have therapy at 2. I'm surviving classes. I'm still breathing. I still haven't cut or purged. But I can feel myself slipping. I'm starting to break again, just when I was starting to do so well.
Sometimes I just want to hold myself and cry. Sometimes, I wonder why I should get up. Sometimes, I begin to wonder, what would I do if I had a breakdown? Would I try and jump off the bridge and into the Mississippi river? Would I try and find a gun? Would I kill myself?
Because, being honest, there will always be a part of me that thinks that dying is romantic. There's a part of me that will always think that suicide is the answer. But, that's only a slight part of me. The majority of me thinks that suicide is NOT the answer. There is a part of me that knows that depression is a battle. That knows that I've got chronic/recurrent depression and that I will probably be going back on medication to combat this.
Because I don't just want to lay down and die. I want to keep fighting. And over the last 3 years, I've been doing really well. I know it's a war, and I want to win the final battle.
But when I begin to slip, the part of me that wants to lay down and die, it gets bigger. The part of me that thinks that there is nothing left in me, that it all drained out, that I'm dead inside, or hollow, that I keep holding on but I'm really already dead, it starts to consume me. And I get more depressed. I can't get out of bed. I get impulsive. My thoughts race. This world would be better off without me, I feel it, so heavy. Then, woops, I took a bunch of pills. I didn't really want to die, it was just the lows.
My therapist and I have been talking about the lines. There is a line that I walk. I float right at the line between recovery and depression. I stay right at the point where my thoughts about myself can still be low, but not enough to where I'm being destructive. Then, I fall, and it's fast. I'm back in the deep deep lows. I act on something, rest for a while, get back on medications, and then I get back to the line in the middle road.
Sometimes I want to tell my parents, it's not a matter of how I kill myself one day, it's a matter of when.
Because I am almost 21 years old. The first time I tried to end my life, I was 11. By the time I graduated high school at 18, I had tried over 20 times. Some of them were half-assed attempts. Most of them were not. Only one was a cry out for help. Only one time did I not want to be successful.
This is the reality. I have never once thought, hmm, how can I get attention? In fact, I wish I didn't have this problem. I wish that my battles weren't so tough. But I know I want to keep trying and keep going. Even if I get low. Even if right now I'm at a critical point where I can feel myself falling lower.
It's a battle. I have to keep fighting and hope like hell that I win.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Goodbye Alice in Wonderland.
I just got the urge to drive to Colorado and hug my Grandma. I haven't heard this song in ages, but I found myself listening to it. She heard the song on the radio after my overdose and told my Mom to buy me the CD because she said it would be an awesome recovery album. I forgot how much I love this song. I forgot how much it rings true. How sometimes you think you can love someone but you're just hallucinating. How dreams can be good, but not if they're just you pretending. My Grandma was so wise and I find myself so grateful that when I was sick, she was always thinking of me and thinking of ways to help me understand that it wouldn't always be this way.
In the eating disorder community, Alice in Wonderland is a popular theme. We talk about how sometimes we feel like one pair of jeans can make us feel like her, how we take a bite of the wrong cake and now we're huge. It's just an illusion. My Grandma didn't know this, she just knew that I talked about how I felt like I was stuck in Wonderland, so she said I should leave it.
I'd rather live in reality. An eating disorder is not reality. My depressing thoughts are not reality. The truth is that I am loved dearly and I am amazing and I'm not going to be alone for the rest of my life. I've found what was missing in my life, and that was God. I have a purpose and a reason and I'd rather be me than just a shell of a girl. I'd rather be what society deems as unacceptable or too much than harm my body by binging or purging or restricting. I want reality.
It's four in the afternoon
I'm on a flight leaving L.A.
Trying to think about my life
My youth scattered along the highway
Hotel rooms and headlines
I've made a living with a song
Just a guitar as my companion
Wanting desperately to belong
Fame is filled with spoiled children
They grow fat on fantasy
I guess that's why I'm leaving
I crave reality
So goodbye Alice in Wonderland
Goodbye yellow brick road
There is a difference between dreaming and pretending
I did not find paradise
It was only a reflection of my lonely mind searching
For what was missing in my life
I'm embarassed to say the rest is a rock and roll cliche
I hit the bottom when I reached the top
I never knew it was you who was breaking my heart
I thought you had to love me
You did not
Yes a heart can hallucinate
If it's completely starved for love
Can even make monsters seem like
Angels from above
You forged my love like a weapon
And turned it against me like a knife
You broke my last heartstring
But you opened up my eyes
So goodbye Alice in Wonderland
Goodbye yellow brick road
There is a difference between dreaming and pretending
That was not love in your eyes
It was only a reflection of my lonely mind wanting
what was missing in my life
Dreaming is a good thing cause it brings new things to life
Pretending is an ending that perpetuates a lie
Forgetting what you are
Seeing for what you've been told
And growing up is not the absence of dreaming
It's being able to understand the difference between the ones you can hold
And the ones that you've been sold
Well, truth is stranger than fiction
And this is my chance to get it right
Life is much better without all of your pretty lies
So Goodbye Alice in Wonderland
You can keep your yellow brick road
Cause there is a difference between dreaming and pretending
That was not love in your eyes
It was only a reflection of my lonely mind wanting
It was only a reflection of my lonely mind wishing
That you were what was missing from my life
In the eating disorder community, Alice in Wonderland is a popular theme. We talk about how sometimes we feel like one pair of jeans can make us feel like her, how we take a bite of the wrong cake and now we're huge. It's just an illusion. My Grandma didn't know this, she just knew that I talked about how I felt like I was stuck in Wonderland, so she said I should leave it.
I'd rather live in reality. An eating disorder is not reality. My depressing thoughts are not reality. The truth is that I am loved dearly and I am amazing and I'm not going to be alone for the rest of my life. I've found what was missing in my life, and that was God. I have a purpose and a reason and I'd rather be me than just a shell of a girl. I'd rather be what society deems as unacceptable or too much than harm my body by binging or purging or restricting. I want reality.
It's four in the afternoon
I'm on a flight leaving L.A.
Trying to think about my life
My youth scattered along the highway
Hotel rooms and headlines
I've made a living with a song
Just a guitar as my companion
Wanting desperately to belong
Fame is filled with spoiled children
They grow fat on fantasy
I guess that's why I'm leaving
I crave reality
So goodbye Alice in Wonderland
Goodbye yellow brick road
There is a difference between dreaming and pretending
I did not find paradise
It was only a reflection of my lonely mind searching
For what was missing in my life
I'm embarassed to say the rest is a rock and roll cliche
I hit the bottom when I reached the top
I never knew it was you who was breaking my heart
I thought you had to love me
You did not
Yes a heart can hallucinate
If it's completely starved for love
Can even make monsters seem like
Angels from above
You forged my love like a weapon
And turned it against me like a knife
You broke my last heartstring
But you opened up my eyes
So goodbye Alice in Wonderland
Goodbye yellow brick road
There is a difference between dreaming and pretending
That was not love in your eyes
It was only a reflection of my lonely mind wanting
what was missing in my life
Dreaming is a good thing cause it brings new things to life
Pretending is an ending that perpetuates a lie
Forgetting what you are
Seeing for what you've been told
And growing up is not the absence of dreaming
It's being able to understand the difference between the ones you can hold
And the ones that you've been sold
Well, truth is stranger than fiction
And this is my chance to get it right
Life is much better without all of your pretty lies
So Goodbye Alice in Wonderland
You can keep your yellow brick road
Cause there is a difference between dreaming and pretending
That was not love in your eyes
It was only a reflection of my lonely mind wanting
It was only a reflection of my lonely mind wishing
That you were what was missing from my life
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Me Again.
I woke up this morning and the first thing I did was thank God for one more day. Three days ago, I was turning out the light asking Him why He wants me to keep going, when I fall so often. Today, I am thankful. I am hopeful.
I texted my best friend today saying, Thank you so much for never giving up on me. I feel so much better. I pull a Psalm 88 and God still saves me. My heart has been smashed into so many pieces and I didn't think I'd ever work right again. I feel like me again, before he left, before she died.
I flash back to my last winter in Minnesota, 3 years ago. I'm sitting in the TreeHouse van with Marie, clearly upset. It's a week before Christmas, and holidays have always been tough on me. One of the things we did as we would pick kids up is play BarlowGirl and talk about life. I told her I felt like Humpty Dumpty. I'd been getting better, but then something would knock me down. Marie didn't say a word, and put on the song Porcelain Heart.
I texted my best friend today saying, Thank you so much for never giving up on me. I feel so much better. I pull a Psalm 88 and God still saves me. My heart has been smashed into so many pieces and I didn't think I'd ever work right again. I feel like me again, before he left, before she died.
I flash back to my last winter in Minnesota, 3 years ago. I'm sitting in the TreeHouse van with Marie, clearly upset. It's a week before Christmas, and holidays have always been tough on me. One of the things we did as we would pick kids up is play BarlowGirl and talk about life. I told her I felt like Humpty Dumpty. I'd been getting better, but then something would knock me down. Marie didn't say a word, and put on the song Porcelain Heart.
As I sat there, I felt the tears stream down my face. I had felt exactly like that! I remember June of 2010 having to hand my heart back to God, smashed in pieces. I spent the next six or seven months withdrawn, hurting, bleeding, angry, asking God why my heart has to break so much. It was in those first few months though, that I became so close to God. I was baptized, and I would spend hours in my Bible.
I flash forward to this June, holding my Grandma as she passed away. I see myself laying in the hotel bed that night, tossing and turning, wondering why He had to take someone I loved so much? Why did He have to break me again, when I was just starting to do so well. I see myself turning on my iPod and Never Let Go starts playing. "Oh Lord, You never let go, through the calm and through the storm. Lord You never let go of me.... There is a light that is coming for the heart that holds on..."
About a month ago, I found out my ex cheated on me more than 5 times. I went running away from God. I stopped going to church. I stopped reading as much. I was too angry. And I felt like I had been back to almost 2 summers ago. Hurting and pissed and upset and broken.
Three days ago, I asked God why. Three days later, I feel like I'm having my new start. I feel like I'm me again. The one before he left and before she died and everything it seems went so wrong. I feel like I honestly want to live. I want to go to classes and learn and work my butt off at my minimum wage paying job, because God has placed me here for a reason! I feel purpose and life flowing in my dry bones. He's taking my dry bones and breathing life into them! I'm not a desert anymore. I don't want to hide and not let people in.
I want to live.
I just realized something. I have never felt this good, ever. Even my last year of high school, which was, without a doubt, one of the best I have had, I still had a huge relapse and overdosed and was sent to the hospital for 3 days. This isn't me going back, this is me moving forward! I'm new. I'm healing. I'm living. I want to live, oh God, I want to live! And if living is messy, and if living means having You break my heart a time or two, then break it. Break my heart for what breaks Yours. I love you so much, Lord.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
A New Start.
I had a breakthrough in therapy today. We talked about how I felt about my ex being committed. We talked about how I'm angry. We talked about how I'm sad. We talked about how I'll probably always love him but it doesn't change anything, even though he's sorry.
We talked about how much it hurts me that I can still see the good things in him, despite knowing the bad things he did. How much it hurts when people talk trash about him, even when I do it. I was about to say that he's a horrible person when I stopped short, and said, he did a horrible thing.
So then he asked me what I wanted, now that he was in treatment. I said he's getting help, since he needs it. He gets a new start. And I'm stuck. I want a new start. I want to heal and to start over and move on. I want to let him go.
I can't keep holding onto him. I can't keep remembering all of our good times because they help me stay stuck. I have a box in my closet at home full of him. I want to throw it away when I get home.
I keep coming back to Psalm 121. Where do I look for help? It needs to be God. You see, heartache is a part of life. Things happen. People leave. People do things to hurt you. Does that mean that I'm saying all guys are rapists? No. Because they aren't. But people do let you down. Someone can't be there for you 100% of the time.
As I keep walking, I know that I just need to keep walking in faith. I need to keep clinging to God and know that with Him, I get my new start. I get to have forgiveness and healing. God isn't saying that if we follow, we get a life free of pain and suffering, and no trials. But, we do get to have God with us every step of the way, and He never pushes us past our limits. I'd rather go through with this with God than without God. I need to keep looking to God.
1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
We talked about how much it hurts me that I can still see the good things in him, despite knowing the bad things he did. How much it hurts when people talk trash about him, even when I do it. I was about to say that he's a horrible person when I stopped short, and said, he did a horrible thing.
So then he asked me what I wanted, now that he was in treatment. I said he's getting help, since he needs it. He gets a new start. And I'm stuck. I want a new start. I want to heal and to start over and move on. I want to let him go.
I can't keep holding onto him. I can't keep remembering all of our good times because they help me stay stuck. I have a box in my closet at home full of him. I want to throw it away when I get home.
I keep coming back to Psalm 121. Where do I look for help? It needs to be God. You see, heartache is a part of life. Things happen. People leave. People do things to hurt you. Does that mean that I'm saying all guys are rapists? No. Because they aren't. But people do let you down. Someone can't be there for you 100% of the time.
As I keep walking, I know that I just need to keep walking in faith. I need to keep clinging to God and know that with Him, I get my new start. I get to have forgiveness and healing. God isn't saying that if we follow, we get a life free of pain and suffering, and no trials. But, we do get to have God with us every step of the way, and He never pushes us past our limits. I'd rather go through with this with God than without God. I need to keep looking to God.
1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
Get up.
If you've ever seen the movie Girl, Interrupted, you probably know the song that is playing when they find Daisy hanging from her bathroom. I used to love that song. Why get up? It's the end of the world, it ended when you said goodbye.
I've felt like that. Last night was a low point for me. Every 6 months or so, I break down and cry. On Monday, my ex was committed instead of being sent to prison. Yesterday, I skipped all 3 of my classes and could hardly get out of bed. I called my Mom last night in tears. I broke down sobbing and told her everything. She asked me what I needed, if I needed to come home for thanksgiving, if I could afford that, and if I needed a flight. I told her, I just need a good cry. I just needed you to listen to me.
I said, every now and then, I fall apart. But I'm going to get up. I turned to my favorite book, Redeeming Love. I woke up this morning and finished the ending. As I turned out the light last night, I asked God, why do I even bother getting up sometimes, something always knocks me down.
I found this: Love the Lord your God, and love one another. Love one another as he loves. Love with strength and purpose and passion and no matter what comes against you. Don't weaken. Stand against the darkness, and love. That's the way back into Eden. That's the way back to life.
I can choose to lay down and die. I can choose to get up. I can choose to forgive and be free from the hatred and anger. I can choose to let life knock me down. I can choose to think that it's the end of the world because they don't love me anymore. Since when does one boy who did horrible things define my worth in God? Since when does a few small bruises, cuts, and scars mean that the entire battle is not worth fighting?
So, you have been going through some stuff. Does that mean that you just give up and die? Get up. Live. Love. You can keep going when it seems to be so wrong and all you feel is pain. Endure. Live. Love. Get up.
I've felt like that. Last night was a low point for me. Every 6 months or so, I break down and cry. On Monday, my ex was committed instead of being sent to prison. Yesterday, I skipped all 3 of my classes and could hardly get out of bed. I called my Mom last night in tears. I broke down sobbing and told her everything. She asked me what I needed, if I needed to come home for thanksgiving, if I could afford that, and if I needed a flight. I told her, I just need a good cry. I just needed you to listen to me.
I said, every now and then, I fall apart. But I'm going to get up. I turned to my favorite book, Redeeming Love. I woke up this morning and finished the ending. As I turned out the light last night, I asked God, why do I even bother getting up sometimes, something always knocks me down.
I found this: Love the Lord your God, and love one another. Love one another as he loves. Love with strength and purpose and passion and no matter what comes against you. Don't weaken. Stand against the darkness, and love. That's the way back into Eden. That's the way back to life.
I can choose to lay down and die. I can choose to get up. I can choose to forgive and be free from the hatred and anger. I can choose to let life knock me down. I can choose to think that it's the end of the world because they don't love me anymore. Since when does one boy who did horrible things define my worth in God? Since when does a few small bruises, cuts, and scars mean that the entire battle is not worth fighting?
So, you have been going through some stuff. Does that mean that you just give up and die? Get up. Live. Love. You can keep going when it seems to be so wrong and all you feel is pain. Endure. Live. Love. Get up.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Letting People In...
I wake up in the morning
Put on my face
The one that's gonna get me
Through another day
Doesn't really matter
How I feel inside
'Cause life is like a game sometimes
But then you came around me
The walls just disappeared
Nothing to surround me
And keep me from my fears
I'm unprotected
See how I've opened up
Oh, you've made me trust
Because I've never felt like this before
I'm naked
Around you
Does it show?
You see right through me
And I can't hide
I'm naked
Around you
And it feels so right
I'm trying to remember
Why I was afraid
To be myself and let the
Covers fall away
I guess I never had someone like you
To help me, to help me fit
In my skin
I never felt like this before
I'm naked
Around you
Does it show?
You see right through me
And I can't hide
I'm naked
Around you
And it feels so right
I'm naked
Oh oh yeah
Does it show?
Yeah, I'm naked
Oh oh, yeah yeah
I'm so naked around you
And I can't hide
You're gonna (you're gonna) see right through, baby
you're gonna see right through,
I'm so naked around you,
and I can't hide,
you're gonna see right through, baby
-Naked by Avril Lavigne.
I remember when this song first came out. I was 11. My Mom gave me her CD for my 12th birthday. I remember, even then, being afraid to be myself. I know I had been bullied, but I just felt like I had to keep walls up so that I wouldn't get hurt.
Fast forward to me being almost 21. I have a hard time letting people in. I'm slow to warm up to people. Once I let people in, I am a lot better, but I have a hard time being "naked" around people. When I first let people in, I feel so scared and exposed and if you asked my best friend, he'd say I sometimes drive him crazy because I will tell him that I don't want to hang out with that person because I'll get hurt.
That's the thing, I know it's irrational. I know, you have to let people in and you can't just be an island. I've gotten a lot better with it. I know that not everyone is a psycho or a rapist.
I really like someone, and I've been doing a lot better about letting them in, and putting my walls away. But it takes a lot for me to be around them and not freak out that I feel vulnerable and exposed. But, I know that it is good for me to have my walls down, so I take them down.
Let people in. Not everyone will hurt you.
Put on my face
The one that's gonna get me
Through another day
Doesn't really matter
How I feel inside
'Cause life is like a game sometimes
But then you came around me
The walls just disappeared
Nothing to surround me
And keep me from my fears
I'm unprotected
See how I've opened up
Oh, you've made me trust
Because I've never felt like this before
I'm naked
Around you
Does it show?
You see right through me
And I can't hide
I'm naked
Around you
And it feels so right
I'm trying to remember
Why I was afraid
To be myself and let the
Covers fall away
I guess I never had someone like you
To help me, to help me fit
In my skin
I never felt like this before
I'm naked
Around you
Does it show?
You see right through me
And I can't hide
I'm naked
Around you
And it feels so right
I'm naked
Oh oh yeah
Does it show?
Yeah, I'm naked
Oh oh, yeah yeah
I'm so naked around you
And I can't hide
You're gonna (you're gonna) see right through, baby
you're gonna see right through,
I'm so naked around you,
and I can't hide,
you're gonna see right through, baby
-Naked by Avril Lavigne.
I remember when this song first came out. I was 11. My Mom gave me her CD for my 12th birthday. I remember, even then, being afraid to be myself. I know I had been bullied, but I just felt like I had to keep walls up so that I wouldn't get hurt.
Fast forward to me being almost 21. I have a hard time letting people in. I'm slow to warm up to people. Once I let people in, I am a lot better, but I have a hard time being "naked" around people. When I first let people in, I feel so scared and exposed and if you asked my best friend, he'd say I sometimes drive him crazy because I will tell him that I don't want to hang out with that person because I'll get hurt.
That's the thing, I know it's irrational. I know, you have to let people in and you can't just be an island. I've gotten a lot better with it. I know that not everyone is a psycho or a rapist.
I really like someone, and I've been doing a lot better about letting them in, and putting my walls away. But it takes a lot for me to be around them and not freak out that I feel vulnerable and exposed. But, I know that it is good for me to have my walls down, so I take them down.
Let people in. Not everyone will hurt you.
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