I spent a good 3.5 years on a 40mg dose. That's a really high dose of serotonin, but in my case, it was needed. I'm being tapered on, and I'm spending a week at 10mg a day, then I will increase to 20mg until my doctors appointment in about 2 weeks, when she will do another major depression inventory and most likely put me back on the 40mg.
This week has been a challenge for me, but I've learned 4 lessons and I'd like to share them.
1. Do not let anyone push you around when it comes to your recovery. I love my Mom, but she has never been diagnosed with a mental illness. She can't possibly understand what I've gone through or know exactly what is right for me. She can be supportive, but when it comes down to it, I've had this illness on and off, but mostly on, since 2003. I will have it on and off for the rest of my life. I know what I need to do to make sure I keep myself alive, because I have a moral obligation to keep my heart beating. It started with a phone call a little over a month ago, telling my Mom that I was back in therapy, dealing with some issues. Which was true. She said, okay, if that's what you want. But don't waste a lot of money or time on it if you don't need it. When I told her it was a free service at school, she said, okay, if you need it. Then last Thursday night I told my Mom that I had relapsed but I had a doctors appointment in the morning to put me back on anti-depressants. She said, okay, but see if you can stay on a low dose. You don't want to be on them for the rest of your life. I told her that my main goal was just making sure I make it through winter and the spring because I also have to be really careful, because the winter is when I really dip low in serotonin, which is the main neurotransmitter that, when low, causes depression. My point is this: You know your own body. You know what is right for you. And if you want recovery, you have to fight like hell for that to happen. Do not let anyone take advantage of you, or tell you what you need, because you know better than anyone else what is right for you.
2. You matter. Yesterday, I grabbed a fortune cookie after lunch, and this is what it said:
Your contribution is significant. You matter. One of the lovely things about depression is that it tells you horrible things, all day long. It tells you things like, you deserve to be miserable. You are a horrible person. The world would be a better place without you in it. I felt like that, yesterday. I felt like so many people would benefit had I never been born, and I couldn't help but feel that God had a little note to tell me otherwise, that I matter, that what I bring to the world and to those in my life, has a meaning and a purpose. I couldn't help but feel that he was telling me Jeremiah 29:11. He has a plan for me, and I have something to offer to the world. The same thing is true for you. You bring so much to the world. My best friend reminded me yesterday about how last May I talked one of my childhood friends out of suicide, from 2000 miles away, over the phone. Depression had not allowed me to remember that, but had I never been born, one of my closest friends would have offed himself! The world would be a colder and darker place without you in it. Your contribution is significant, you matter.
3. As hard as it is, get out of bed. Depression likes to tell you to stay in bed all day long. It likes to tell you that it doesn't matter, there is no point to even getting dressed. Even if you just sit on the couch all day in your pjs, get out of bed. Lying in the dark all day, in your bed, does nothing good for you. Even if it's just something as simple as getting up and then watching a movie, leave the bed. And if you can, make that bed, and then if you can, do something else small. But get out and get moving. I had to start gym class last week, and twice a week, I have to run for an hour. I have realized that it does wonders for my mood! Exercise raises your endorphins. Endorphins allow you to heal faster when injured, and they also elevate your mood. Get moving. I have found that when I have just me and the track before me, and my iPod on, I can just let my mind wander and I don't have to think about all the garbage. I can just keep going. Get moving. Don't lay down and die.
4. It won't be like this forever. You weren't always this low, you won't always be this low. Just as you don't have the flu your entire life, you won't always have depression. When you are that low, it's easy to focus on how ending your life might be the right choice, but it isn't, because it's just a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And I'm not here to belittle your feelings. Because I used to have those feelings, every minute, of every day. With the relapse I've had, the thoughts have crossed my mind, what would it be like if I wasn't here, but I can't act on them, and that is why I am taking the steps to make sure I take care of myself, because I know that I had a 2 year break where I wasn't like this. And I know that there will be a day when I am in a state of recovery again. It won't be like this forever. Keep holding on. One more minute. Then another. I used to count the minutes that passed when I was literally holding a bottle of pills, ready to overdose. Keep holding on, because you will see the sun again. These feelings will pass, it can't be like this forever.
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