Drinking to Oblivion.

I'm 15 years old and downing Vodka like it's water with some of my best friends.  This is the first time I've drank, and I like the way I begin to loosen up.  I don't care about my sorrows.  I don't care that my boyfriend is a jerk who is cheating on me while I'm in and out of treatment.  I don't care about being on anti-depressants.  I don't care, because I'm not drinking to forget, I'm drinking to erase myself.

I'm drinking to get the courage to die.  When I'm drinking, everything feels amazing.  There's this warm sensation in my stomach, like I could curl inward and hug myself.  I throw my head back and say how amazing life is.  One of my guy friends looks at me with a puzzled look on his face, because he knows I'm suicidal on a daily basis.  He takes the bottle away and tells me to slow down.  But I don't want to.

I tell him how amazing it would be if you could feel like this 24/7.  I tell him I enjoy being smashed.  As my vision starts to blur, I keep drinking.  I can't remember to this day how many I have had.  I know that I fell down the stairs, began swearing like a sailor, and then threw up violently in the sink.  I remember the same boy who took my bottle away telling me how he was tired of my sh*t and that I needed to get myself together.  He didn't want to be my babysitter anymore.  I thought it was odd, coming from a meth head.

I tried to drink to oblivion, and I got alcohol poisoning.  At 15 years old.  I oddly enough woke up in the morning and made everyone breakfast, and I didn't even feel hungover.  I didn't care about anything.  I remember priding myself on that. I could get smashed and not feel a thing.  I was happy that my body was so good at being thrown around.  I thought it would never catch up to me.  But it did.

When you're drinking to erase yourself, to forget everything, to erase your sorrows, when you do stop having that buzz, you feel worse.  You feel like nothing matters when you drink, but when you finally sober up, you feel lower than you did.  Everything hits you harder than you thought possible.

On Monday it will be 2 weeks until my 21st birthday.  I will be legal, but I don't have the desire to erase myself.  I know that drinking to oblivion, or drinking to forget, to erase, to numb, to cope, is not the answer.  I'm not 15 anymore, and it's crazy to see how far I've come from all that damage I have done to myself.