I know I've talked about Kevin a lot. But he was a huge part of my life. And I've spent the last 18 months attempting to get over him. I've been doing pretty good with it, too. But anyway, I have realized that there will always be a part of me that will love him and care about him. Yes, what he did was inexcusable, but I also remember the person he was when I was around him. It doesn't matter though, because we cannot be together ever again and I don't want that. I know that the scars will always be there, but I have noticed them fading, not hurting as bad. That being said, it does come back at night. I am a night and day person. At night is when my demons come out to play. At night is when I wonder why I wasn't enough for him to stay. I wonder what I did wrong to make him cheat on me.
Tonight I sat on my bed sobbing, missing my Grandma like crazy. I remember June 4th of 2010, waking up in the morning and my Dad had made me breakfast. He told me he had spent some time on the phone with my Grandma and to pack my bags because he was driving me to see her. I was going to spend the week with her and that he knew I needed to see her and have her wisdom and comfort and love. I had just lost my fiance and my Dad was wondering if I had cut myself in the night or anything like that. I vaguely remember him having my Mom check me in the bathroom for cuts because when I had cut it was in areas easy to hide. She found none. I remember Paul from TreeHouse calling me and me sobbing and him telling me that I was strong and I would be okay. I remember him asking me what my plan was and I told him my Dad and I were about to drive to Colorado to see my Grandma and he told me that my contract was still valid (the day I first went to TreeHouse he had me sign a contract saying if I was suicidal that I would call one of the staff, Paul was Kevin's mentor, so he knew what he did, and how close we were.) I remember sobbing most of the way to my grandparents house and my Grandparents rushing outside to meet me.
I spent a week with my Grandma while my Granddad and Dad drove to Minnesota to get my sister from college since she graduated in May but took a summer class to finish. She and I sat at the kitchen table early in the mornings since she said laying down and dying wasn't an option. She would make me breakfast and I would cry, hardly eating. So she would bring out the Elvis. She and I would listen to him and she asked me what had happened. I told her what I knew, that he had gone to jail, that it was for a sexual assault charge but I didn't want to know more. Then I begged her not to tell anyone, especially my Dad. She and I would spend the day fishing. We would sit on the porch and talk. She would smoke her camels and I would open up to her.
She told me she didn't have experience in breakups because the only man she ever dated or loved had been her husband for 56 years, but she told me how she knew how to keep living when everything seemed to be going wrong. She and I spent the week listening to music and watching old school movies.
I feel so much better just remembering how much my family has been there for me, and remembering how much love and wisdom my Grandma poured into me. If I ever have a family, I hope I can do that for someone else, and when I am a therapist, I hope I can do that for the people I am trying to help. I have been given so much love and support and God has given me so many second chances it's not even funny.
I am so glad I have been able to feel this sad, because it means I'm alive. And I am so glad I was able to cry and listen to Elvis tonight.
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