Jesus Loves You.

Yes.  You.  Even when you've been less than a stellar individual.  Even when you feel like you can't be loved.  He does.  He will always take you back.  I promise.

Home + Rehab.

I am sitting in my bed after sleeping for 11 hours.  I landed here in sunny California at noon yesterday.  At 3 I was on my way to Saturday night Church.  God was my first priority when I came back.  I love that.  At about 4 I ran into Amber.  She's my best girlfriend.  Like, legit.  I love this girl like a sister.  A few minutes later I ran into my discipler and we hugged and she said I am so excited to meet with you this week so we can get a plan.  We're meeting with Pastor Phil on Wednesday and then I am meeting with her on Thursday at Islands (this restaurant) because it's where we met the first time.   I ran into Pastor Phil after service, which was about Ruth, and marrying Godly people and how Christ saves us even though we are outsiders and what you might consider damaged goods.  It was such a powerful sermon and exactly what I needed to hear.

I feel like damaged goods.  I don't feel worthy of love, especially love by Jesus.  I feel like one of the reasons I dated so many people that aren't good for me, ahem, my ex, yes?  was because I felt like I didn't deserve anyone better.  I figured that I'm not worth it.  I'm not good enough.  I'm not smart enough or talented enough.  But you know, that's ridiculous.  The thing is that you will never be good enough for Jesus.  That's the entire reason you need Him!!  And boys cannot fill that place in your life.  Boys don't fill the void that only God can.  Drinking can't fill it.  An eating disorder can't fill it.  Drugs can't.  But even if you are struggling with those things, God can still heal you.  He won't leave you regardless of how many times you pull a Jonah and flee.  Looking back, the week before I left for college, we were talking about Jonah in church.  There isn't a single pair of Nike's in the world that are fast enough so that you can outrun God. 

You might be "damaged goods."  I am.  We all have scars.  We all have things we wish we could do differently.  But we are viewed as amazing because God chose to redeem us despite our garbage.  I know I need Rehab.  I need to let God deal with all the stuff in my heart and I need strength and security and love and to really grow my roots deep into Jesus.  I need Rehab.  What about you?

Hotel Blues.

I don't like the person I've been.  I don't like the way I've been living the last few months.  I fly out in 6 hours to California.  I'm up sitting alone in my hotel room thinking about this semester.  I'm thinking about the mistakes I've made.  I wonder how much I have changed.  I wonder how long my Mom's excitement to see me will last.  Because she knows I'm not fine.  I have to fill out a form when I get home to medically withdraw from my math class because I didn't go to the final because I had a panic attack so I went to the bar with friends and drank my pain away.  I had gone to the student health services that day to get a refill on my pills before I left for 3 weeks and she told me I qualified.

I've spent this semester digging holes.  Running.  I don't like the person I have become.  I don't like who I've been.  I fell.  I still feel pain.  Drinking with friends is fun, but when you wake up, the pain is still there.  I've gotten sick of people walking out of my life, so I've been walking away from mine.  I've been irresponsible.  I've been silly and childish and I don't hardly recognize the person I am anymore.  When I look in the mirror my eyes seem cold.  Everything about me screams fragile.

I'm not okay.  I don't want to go see family.    I want to curl up in my dorm room and hide.  I don't like the person I've been.  I don't like the life I've been living.  So I need to change.

I'll Help You Survive.

I don't know what it is you are going through.  I don't know how hard the fight is.  I don't know if you feel like you've been abandoned.  I can tell you that I have felt like that a time or two.  You might feel like you're a mistake.  You might feel like there is no point in walking anymore.  You feel like you want to die, but I want to tell you that you're here for a reason and you aren't a mistake.  You were made with a purpose that only you can fill.   You were made with such love and care and even though you won't ever do anything to deserve it, you don't have to spend your life trying to.

I can't tell you that it's going to be easy.  I won't lie to you.  Because they aren't easy.  It's hard to keep living when everything is falling apart, but when you are crumbling, there's a God out there who is holding you together.  He is strong in our weaknesses and He wants to tell you that you can survive this.  He'll help you every step of the way.  Reach out and take His hand.

Death is Easy.

Death is easy.  Peaceful even.  There's this quiet haze that falls all over your body and for the first time in your life you can't feel a thing.  You are truly numb and if you could smile, you would.  But you can't move your face.  You can't move at all.  It's not that scary kind of paralyzed either.  It's like when zonked out on tranquilizers, but more.  So much more.  Sleeping like the dead takes on a whole new meaning for you.  Your breathing slows.  You feel this letting go of everything.  Warm and tingly like your drunk.  But you're not. 

Usually when dreaming, you are still aware of the outside world.  This isn't like that.  All you have is yourself.  You feel like you're floating.  You can't hear anything else.  You can't feel the sheets on the bed or the IV pumping fluid into you.  You can't feel the pain after drinking the charcoal to stop the pills from doing irreversable damage to your liver.  Did anyone tell you before you took all that Tylenol that it is one of the slowest ways to die because it takes about 3 days for your system to fail, and you have to down the entire bottle on an empty stomach?  No, no one did.  It didn't occur to you that there was a right way to overdose.  You just felt like your mind was a freight train and you were just trying to get the train to slow down.  You can't feel the nurses hand on yours.  You can't hear your parents fighting and crying.

Floating feels nice.  Death is easy.  Life is hard.  Life is messy.  Life is complicated.  Life hurts.  Death is peaceful.  It doesn't hurt.  But living takes courage and strength you don't think you have.  When you finally wake up, they force you to drink some apple juice.  You want to go back to the floating.  You want to go back to the quiet but all you hear is your parents yelling.  Your father screams obscenities and then leaves the room in tears.  The first few days living after knowing what being so close to peace are hell.  But if you surrender to the quiet, you miss so much.  And even though death is easy and life is hard, life is worth it.  Checking out before your sixteenth birthday, before things get a lot better, is a crime.

Hold on.  Life is hard, but it is worth it.

Slow your breath down.

This chest is full of memories

Of gold and silver tears

I’ll give you more to own than

All of this

And I’ll give you more than years

For you were once a child of innocence

And I see you just the same

Your burdens couldn’t win or

Lose a thing

Oh, I’d tell you once again

But you’re always on the run

 

Slow your breath down

Just take it slow

Find your heart now, oh

You can trust and love again

Slow your breath down, just take it slow

Find your smile now, oh

You can trust and love again

 

If you leave I’ll still be close to you

When all your fears rain down

I’ll take you back a thousand times again

I’ll take you as my own

I would sing you songs of innocence

‘Til the light of morning comes

‘Til the rays of gold and honey cover you

In the sweetness of the dawn

But you’re always on the run

 

You’re not alone

You’re now a part of me

You feel the cure

I’ll feel the toil it brought you

 

 

What can I say?  I love that song.  I've been at a stage in my life where things are very chaotic.  In about 3 months my Mom is moving to North Carolina and I'm sure that the 5 of us will live in separate states.  I don't know where I'm going.  I've made a mess of me.  I've spent a year and a half crying.  I'm not going to hold myself back anymore.  I just want to slow my breath down and find my heart beat.  Thank God for starting to put me back together, because I've been a wreck for so long.

Chasing Pavements.

I've made up my mind,
Don't need to think it over
If I'm wrong, I am right
Don't need to look no further,
This ain't lust
I know this is love
But, if I tell the world
I'll never say enough
'cause it was not said to you
And that's exactly what I need to do
If I end up with you

[Chorus]
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhere

I build myself up
And fly around in circles
Waitin' as my heart drops
And my back begins to tingle
Finally, could this be it

Or should I give up
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhere
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there

Should I give up
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhere
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place should I leave it there
Should I give up
Or should I just keep on chasin' pavements
Should I just keep on chasin' pavements
Ohh oh

Or should I give up
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhere
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there






I don't know what the future holds for me.  I don't know where I stand with a lot of things.  A week from today I will be getting on a plane and heading back to California for three weeks.  A week from today I am putting this semester behind me.  I am letting go of the drama and the anger.  I randomly started sobbing at one this morning.  I am sure I am going to fail at least one class but I know that with everything that has happened, it's understandable.  I'm not making excuses or trying to be lazy.  But with where I have been at, I know I will fail my first class.   I'm not going to let it destroy me.  I'm not letting him destroy me anymore.


I'm not going to give up.  Life is for living, for forgiving, and for leaving town alive.

Going away for a while.

I've had a really really rough time dealing with all the things in my life.  I won't go into details, but each day has been really really hard.  I'm trying.  But I don't want to get up.  I don't want to get out of bed.  So it is best for everyone that I go away for a while and withdraw from writing this out and just focus on trying to keep going right now.  I hope that all of you take care of yourself.  Please pray for me to have the courage to keep living because death is easy.

Alright.

Is it alright to say that I can't see the hope from here?
Is it alright to say that I'm not content?
Is it alright to say that I'm not feeling anything?
Is it alright to say that I don't know where you went?

Would it be alright if we talked awhile?
'Cause its been so long and I can feel the night
Would you walk this road with a lonely soul?
'Cause I need you to make everything alright

Is it alright to say that I am struggling everyday?
Is it alright to say I'm not hearing you?
Is it alright to say that I don't want to go your way?
Is it alright to say that I don't know what to do?

Would it be alright if we talked awhile?
'Cause its been so long and I can feel the night
Would you walk this road with a lonely soul?
'Cause I need you to make everything alright

We All Fall.

We all fall
Sometimes
We all let ourselves down
Sometimes there's nothing left but to live with what's been done
And know you're not the only one
Who falls
We all fail
Sometimes
We all let someone down
Sometimes there's nothing left but to promise to ourselves
That next time we won't be the one
To fail
I want to tell you you can go on
That beginnings come from ends
I still believe in you
And so does God
He's the one who still believes in those who fail
He's the one who still believes in us who fall...

I matter so much. And so do you.

My discipler asked me if I had listened to this week's sermon.  I just started it and I'm only 2 minutes in and I already know that God needed me to hear this.   It's theme is how much God loves you and how you can't keep going down the road you are on.
I haven't listened to the sermons in about 2 months.  I haven't done anything.  I hardly read.  And yet God loves me so much.  I haven't done anything to deserve it.  I have spent the last 4 months going down the wrong road.  I relapsed with my eating disorder after I moved away.  I've been purging.  I am nervous that I won't pass a few classes because I can't hardly go to classes because I have had such little energy.  I hardly sleep at night.  I'm depressed.  I'm empty.
There's a huge part of me that cannot see that I'm loved by an amazing God who promised me almost 5 years ago that he'd never let me go.  But I let go of Him 4 months ago.  And I'm empty and hopeless because I'm not walking the narrow road.  I'm sobbing right now as I'm writing this because I honestly hate myself and I hate the way I look.  I hate the things that I do because I know that I have an ugly heart right now.  I've been drinking and smoking and I've fallen apart so bad.  I have been angry at God and angry at myself.  There's this one line in a song that I love: She hates you hate's life hate's the way she looks naked.  Now she's feeling lousy and drousy and how could she love something that's barely alive?
Those are strong words, but that's how I feel right now.  I can't keep going down the road I'm on.  There has been a few times since I was 11, when I first started purging, I have had major chest pains to where I wonder if I'm going to redo serious damage to my physical heart. Never mind the fact that it kills my emotional and spiritual heart every time I pray to the porcelain god who makes me die and breaks God's heart.  When I was born, I had a hole in my heart and it was repaired when I was almost one years old.  It was the first time I made my Dad cry.  The second time was when I woke up after my first of several overdoses.  I was given a new chance at physical life at 1.  By the time I was 9 I wanted it to end.  And I tried so many times and couldn't understand why God wouldn't let me succeed at taking my life away.

I've spent 21 years wondering why God has had me alive.  I've spent 21 years hating myself.  I have spent 10 years in the hell of bulimia.  And even though my ED isn't as bad as it has been, I still have had the desire to change everything about myself.  Because God made me wrong.  How prideful is that?  How the heck do I have the right to look my Creator in the eyes and dare to say You made me wrong.  You didn't make me pretty.  You didn't make me thin.  You made it hard.  You gave me love and then took it away.  You put people in my life only to take them away.  You have broken my heart.  Literally.  You have made it so hard on my parents.  You made it hard on me.  You gave me a family that doesn't know You and doesn't get why when I'm home I live at church.  They don't understand why I would read my Bible and only listen to worship music.  You love me, beyond measure, despite how I have talked to You.  Despite how I feel about myself.  Despite the fact that I rejected You for so long and rejected the gift of life You gave me.  Despite my doubts and my fears and my anger.
Since when is it all about me anyway?  Why can't I just accept that God loves me?  God is literally looking at the life I have been living for the last 4 months and sobbing.  Jesus is standing at my door and knocking.  I'm hiding behind pot, drinking, and hating myself.  I'm hiding thinking He can't see me.  I'm hiding thinking no one knows.  I'm hiding thinking I'm garbage and that's what I deserve.  What a waste of life He has given me.  I left California so filled with the Spirit.  And I had joy.  It was not always like this.  I was bought with a price and I cannot ever pay it.  And yet I think I'm a waste.  I think God doesn't want me.  But He's been showing me nothing but love since the day I was brought in this world and I have done nothing but try to take myself out.
I want to just stand before God now and cry too.  I am so sorry God.  I am so sorry that I have filled myself up with garbage and now I am so sick.  I am sorry I have rejected You.  I am sorry I have been hiding.  For not listening.  For being stubborn.  For living in darkness.  For not understanding that You still love me and You value me. You want me.  You want me even if a man doesn't.  Or even if my body isn't the way the world demands it to be.  You want me even though I have made a huge mess.  Even though I haven't been dying to myself so I can live for You.  Oh Lord, I've messed up.  Help me lay down my garbage so You can heal me.  Help me to see how much You love me.  Help me to remind me that this race isn't supposed to be a cake walk.  But Lord, please walk with me every step of the way because I have been trying to do it on my own for so long.  And I can't walk on my own anymore.  Carry me through this.  Lord, please give me the strength to walk towards You when the drinking and the smoking and the eating disorder pull me back towards the wrong road.  When the garbage I put into my life through the music and the TV and the movies I watch pull me back.  When I willingly walk away.  Help me to want to seek Your face and Your love and Your kindness.  Help me to re-date You and re-commit my life to You.  Because I matter to You.  Because You love me and You want to take me back. 

A Dustland Fairytale

The Dustland Fairytale beginning
With just another white trash county kiss in '61.
Long brown hair, and foolish eyes.
He'd look just like you'd want him to
Some kind of slick chrome American prince.

Blue Jean serenade
Moon River what'd you do to me
I don't believe you.

Saw Cinderella in a party dress, she was looking for a nightgown.
I saw the devil wrapping up his hands, he's getting ready for the showdown.
I saw the minute that I turned away, I got my money on a pawn tonight.

Change came in disguise of revelation, set his soul on fire.
She said she always knew he'd come around.
And the decades disappear
Like sinking ships but we persevere.
God gives us hope but we still fear what we don't know.

Your mind is poisoned.
Castles in the sky sit stranded, vandalized.
The drawbridge is closing.

Saw Cinderella in a party dress, she was looking for a nightgown.
I saw the devil wrapping up his hands, he's getting ready for the showdown.
I saw the ending when they turned the page, I threw my money and I ran away.
Sent to the valley of the great divide
Out where the dreams all hide.
Out where the wind don't blow,
Out here the good girls die.
And the sky won't snow
Out here the bird don't sing
Out here the field don't blow
Out here the bell don't ring
Out hear the bell don't ring
Out here the good girls die
Now Cinderella don't you go to sleep, it's such a bitter form of refuge.
Why don't you know the kingdoms under siege and everybody needs you.
Is there still magic in the midnight sun, or did you leave it back in '61?
In the cadence of a young man's eyes.
Out where the dreams all hide



Laying down and dying isn't an option.   Sitting in your room all day doing nothing is not an option.  You have to get up and fight.  Fight for a better day.  Because it doesn't always have to be this way.  I can promise you that if you just get up and go it'll all be better.  It will still be hard sometimes, but I can promise that it won't always be horrible.