My discipler asked me if I had listened to this week's sermon. I just started it and I'm only 2 minutes in and I already know that God needed me to hear this. It's theme is how much God loves you and how you can't keep going down the road you are on.
I haven't listened to the sermons in about 2 months. I haven't done anything. I hardly read. And yet God loves me so much. I haven't done anything to deserve it. I have spent the last 4 months going down the wrong road. I relapsed with my eating disorder after I moved away. I've been purging. I am nervous that I won't pass a few classes because I can't hardly go to classes because I have had such little energy. I hardly sleep at night. I'm depressed. I'm empty.
There's a huge part of me that cannot see that I'm loved by an amazing God who promised me almost 5 years ago that he'd never let me go. But I let go of Him 4 months ago. And I'm empty and hopeless because I'm not walking the narrow road. I'm sobbing right now as I'm writing this because I honestly hate myself and I hate the way I look. I hate the things that I do because I know that I have an ugly heart right now. I've been drinking and smoking and I've fallen apart so bad. I have been angry at God and angry at myself. There's this one line in a song that I love: She hates you hate's life hate's the way she looks naked. Now she's feeling lousy and drousy and how could she love something that's barely alive?
Those are strong words, but that's how I feel right now. I can't keep going down the road I'm on. There has been a few times since I was 11, when I first started purging, I have had major chest pains to where I wonder if I'm going to redo serious damage to my physical heart. Never mind the fact that it kills my emotional and spiritual heart every time I pray to the porcelain god who makes me die and breaks God's heart. When I was born, I had a hole in my heart and it was repaired when I was almost one years old. It was the first time I made my Dad cry. The second time was when I woke up after my first of several overdoses. I was given a new chance at physical life at 1. By the time I was 9 I wanted it to end. And I tried so many times and couldn't understand why God wouldn't let me succeed at taking my life away.
I've spent 21 years wondering why God has had me alive. I've spent 21 years hating myself. I have spent 10 years in the hell of bulimia. And even though my ED isn't as bad as it has been, I still have had the desire to change everything about myself. Because God made me wrong. How prideful is that? How the heck do I have the right to look my Creator in the eyes and dare to say You made me wrong. You didn't make me pretty. You didn't make me thin. You made it hard. You gave me love and then took it away. You put people in my life only to take them away. You have broken my heart. Literally. You have made it so hard on my parents. You made it hard on me. You gave me a family that doesn't know You and doesn't get why when I'm home I live at church. They don't understand why I would read my Bible and only listen to worship music. You love me, beyond measure, despite how I have talked to You. Despite how I feel about myself. Despite the fact that I rejected You for so long and rejected the gift of life You gave me. Despite my doubts and my fears and my anger.
Since when is it all about me anyway? Why can't I just accept that God loves me? God is literally looking at the life I have been living for the last 4 months and sobbing. Jesus is standing at my door and knocking. I'm hiding behind pot, drinking, and hating myself. I'm hiding thinking He can't see me. I'm hiding thinking no one knows. I'm hiding thinking I'm garbage and that's what I deserve. What a waste of life He has given me. I left California so filled with the Spirit. And I had joy. It was not always like this. I was bought with a price and I cannot ever pay it. And yet I think I'm a waste. I think God doesn't want me. But He's been showing me nothing but love since the day I was brought in this world and I have done nothing but try to take myself out.
I want to just stand before God now and cry too. I am so sorry God. I am so sorry that I have filled myself up with garbage and now I am so sick. I am sorry I have rejected You. I am sorry I have been hiding. For not listening. For being stubborn. For living in darkness. For not understanding that You still love me and You value me. You want me. You want me even if a man doesn't. Or even if my body isn't the way the world demands it to be. You want me even though I have made a huge mess. Even though I haven't been dying to myself so I can live for You. Oh Lord, I've messed up. Help me lay down my garbage so You can heal me. Help me to see how much You love me. Help me to remind me that this race isn't supposed to be a cake walk. But Lord, please walk with me every step of the way because I have been trying to do it on my own for so long. And I can't walk on my own anymore. Carry me through this. Lord, please give me the strength to walk towards You when the drinking and the smoking and the eating disorder pull me back towards the wrong road. When the garbage I put into my life through the music and the TV and the movies I watch pull me back. When I willingly walk away. Help me to want to seek Your face and Your love and Your kindness. Help me to re-date You and re-commit my life to You. Because I matter to You. Because You love me and You want to take me back.
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