Hotel Blues.

I don't like the person I've been.  I don't like the way I've been living the last few months.  I fly out in 6 hours to California.  I'm up sitting alone in my hotel room thinking about this semester.  I'm thinking about the mistakes I've made.  I wonder how much I have changed.  I wonder how long my Mom's excitement to see me will last.  Because she knows I'm not fine.  I have to fill out a form when I get home to medically withdraw from my math class because I didn't go to the final because I had a panic attack so I went to the bar with friends and drank my pain away.  I had gone to the student health services that day to get a refill on my pills before I left for 3 weeks and she told me I qualified.

I've spent this semester digging holes.  Running.  I don't like the person I have become.  I don't like who I've been.  I fell.  I still feel pain.  Drinking with friends is fun, but when you wake up, the pain is still there.  I've gotten sick of people walking out of my life, so I've been walking away from mine.  I've been irresponsible.  I've been silly and childish and I don't hardly recognize the person I am anymore.  When I look in the mirror my eyes seem cold.  Everything about me screams fragile.

I'm not okay.  I don't want to go see family.    I want to curl up in my dorm room and hide.  I don't like the person I've been.  I don't like the life I've been living.  So I need to change.