Since 2005.

For my 15th birthday, my Mom handed me a journal.  I had been in therapy since 7th grade, but stopped it in 8th grade, and I hadn't started it again, but would in 2 weeks.  4 days after my birthday, I was hospitalized for suicidal idiation and for cutting (I wanted to die, but had no plan).  I chronicled my disease and wrote out every dark and twisted thought that flew into my brain.  I wrote of the pain, the desire to end it all, the lack of support I felt, the judging I received, and the lonely and dark places I had been.

That year was hands down the worst of my life.

I've gotten through most of it.  Most days I have are good.

Since those days, I've:

• Graduated high school.
• Finished therapy.
• Stopped cutting.
• Recovered.
• Fell in and out of love.
• Got into fights.
• Moved out a few times.
• Gotten into a few car accidents.
• Gone to college.
• Transferred back to MN after 2 years in California (well, will have in 15 days, but I don't think California and I are done.
• Gotten a job.
• Quit said job.

Sometimes I've made messes and sometimes I had days where I didn't honestly know how I'd ever feel happy again, but I look back and I know that I've lived and I've learned and I'm never going to give up.

But you know what?  In all those twisted thoughts I see Jesus there in between.  I see how He had a plan for me and how the light did meet the dark and I don't have to live the life I lived anymore, I'm free in Christ.

I don't know what I want, so don't ask me
Cause I'm still trying to figure it out
Don't know what's down this road, I'm just walking
Trying to see through the rain coming down
Even though I'm not the only one
Who feels the way I do

I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on
I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in
This world

Got the radio on, my old blue jeans
And I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve
Feeling lucky today, got the sunshine
Could you tell me what more do I need
And tomorrow's just a mystery, oh yeah
But that's ok

I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on
I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in
This world

Maybe I'm just a girl on a mission
But I'm ready to fly
I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on
I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in
This world

The only thing that's not true about this song is that I'm not alone.  I have God walking with me, and that's better than anything I could have ever dreamed.